This is why the University of Michigan is superior to UF

I say this because my partner at work (and University of Michigan alumni) just explained to me the concept of the two point conversion. Aha. So that's what everyone means when they talk about "going for two." Got it.

And hence...why she went to the University of Michigan. And I did not.

It's the sport of kings...

better than diamond rings....football.

Anyone else remember that little ditty from the movie "Wildcats?" Just me? Okay.

So I've been watching football for years. Growing up in Florida..that's what you do. And I went to a big football school....okay, this is an understatement. I went to the currently undefeated, National Championship-winning University of Florida. So obviously, I must know everything there is to know about football. Right? Right?

I will go on the record here and now and say there are a lot of things I don't understand about it. Does this make me sound like an idiot? Possibly. But there are things I just don't get...

1. What are "special teams?" No one has ever given me a straight answer on this.

2. What constitutes "excessive celebrating?" Is it jumping up and down? A fist pump to the air? Chest bumping teammates? I don't get it. Who gets to decide? And also, who cares?

3. What's up with the flags? I never seem to see them when they get thrown. And why do they get thrown? For stuff like "holding?" Isn't it necessary to hold the football in order to make a goal?

4. Why is it impossible to tell if the kicker makes the extra point? Unless it runs right down the middle, who can tell?

5. First down? Third down? Husband has explained this to me but I still don't actually know what this is.

6. How do you know if your team is a running team or a throwing team? And also, why is this important?

My dear college roommate used to try to help me, sitting next to me at Gator games and saying "clap now" but it didn't really help. I can still generally tell who wins the game. Touchdowns are also exceedingly clear. Extra points, not always.

Yes, I want the Gators to win. And the Hurricanes to lose. I even want the Dolphins to win...even if they never do. But the details? Still a bit of a mystery.

And the new Bachelor is.....

drumroll.....Jake!

Well, yeah. We thought so. But ABC wanted to make it all official.

Get ready for the parade of pleated khakis...

More Tales of the Critter Magnet

As I've blogged before, critters seem to be drawn to me. When I lived in Florida, it was frogs and lizards. In my city life, it's been (shudder) rodents. I hesitate to even write the word since when I do, they seem to take it as an open invitation.

Now, I should tell you that we live on the 4th floor of a brownstone. So you'd think that the critters wouldn't want to travel that far. Seems as though they don't mind.

The other night, we're in bed and I turn off the light to go to sleep. Then I hear an odd zapping noise, like an electrical current. I turn the light back on again and a huge insect with brown wings is standing on my nightstand smiling at me. I shriek, wake the husband and point. He attempts to "get" it (sorry animal lovers) but wholeheartedly misses. This leads to us both jumping on the bed, scouring the room for the little bugger. And then we hear the familiar "zzz-zzz" that this insect makes. The husband stalks him and eventually moves in for the kill. I somewhat feel bad for destroying such a strange-looking creature. Husband looks at me strangely and goes to sleep.

But I can't. Since I know it's just a matter of time before we get another night time visitor. I am convinced that at some point, a bat is going to get in. It stands to reason since we live really close to the park. And the park is apparently crawling with them. Actually, I guess flying with them is more appropriate. I'm convinced they fly in through our chimney and hang out in the living room, playing with A's Legos. And while I think bats are kinda cool animals, I totally don't think I could handle it if one got in the house.

In the meantime, A. keeps insisting she is seeing mice all over the house. She even insists there is a mouse hole by the front door, throwing herself on the ground at least once a day to say "hello mouse!" Maybe she sees something I don't. Or perhaps she just enjoys torturing me. Or maybe, just maybe...she's a critter magnet too.

The New Bachelor is....

Jake. At least according to the Internet. And if you read it there, then you know it must be true.

Want more? Go here:

http://www.film.com/tv/the-bachelor/story/report-jake-pavelka-abcs-new/30308126

And in case you don't remember who Jake is..he's Mr. All-American Perfect Pilot with the pleated khakis. He might quite possibly iron his underwear. Have fun ladies....

And yes, I cannot wait.

The Least Sucky Princess

Yes, I know. I have blogged about this before. But still..it just has to be said. Currently we are in Stage 2 of princess-ness and I have to think we are almost done with them. Right? Uh...right?


Note: this does not mean that I in any way prevent her from experiencing princesses as she sees fit. Meaning we have the books, the dolls, the clothes, the music. If this is what she really loves....then she deserves to experience it.

But.

Since I have been reading lots of princess books lately...let me just say, most of them suck and don't teach such great lessons. Arielle saves Prince Eric from drowning. However, she then has to give up her voice in order to win him. So she just does it based on her beauty and...well, her beauty. Next!

Snow White, as everyone knows, is a total doormat and really not so bright. First she lets some hunter lead her off into the woods and leave her there. Then she decides to become the housekeeper for seven slovenly men. And then she takes an apple from an old witch. Come on, sister! No brains in that pretty little head of yours? But it all works out because a prince falls in love with her beauty and wakes her up. Snow White, you suck.

Now, let's talk about Belle, aka Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, yeah...Disney makes a big deal about how she reads books. But she still winds up having to cater to this Beast who doesn't treat her so well. Yet she falls in love with him. And then he becomes a handsome prince. This fairy tale caters especially to smart women who love the wrong guys and think they can change them. Belle, you suck, too.

Cinderella is another doormat who lives with mice, cleans for some ungrateful, boorish relatives and then miraculously, finds a fairy godmother who makes her pretty enough to go to a ball and win a man's heart. My take? Cinderella is depressed and therefore delusional about the situation and imagines the whole thing.

And we won't even talk about Sleeping Beauty, who basically sleeps through her whole story.

Supposedly, Disney is trying to create a new princess named Tiana. Tiana is Disney's first African-American princess. They promise that Tiana will be strong and independent and not looking for anyone to help her. Though presently, if you click on the Disney Princess website...which I do more often than I care to admit...Tiana doesn't speak. All of the other animated princesses have a whole conversation with you. Tiana, thus far, just sits there smiling. So I'll believe it when I see it.

And by the way, books about feminist princesses still suck because they are trying too hard.

I've heard the next girl stage is fairies. Which I'm looking forward to. Since fairies control their own destinies. Provided no one mistakes them for say, a mosquito.

New Bachelor!

Apparently,there is one. But ABC won't announce it until October 13th on Dancing with the Stars. Damn them!

Which means you'll have to watch "stars" like Tom DeLay attempt to tango in order to find out the scoop. Oh ABC, why must you punish us so....

Just keeping you in the loop.