Nanifesto

Creepy, Kooky,Mysterious and Spooky

2011-10-28T13:18:00.000-07:00

There's something about October. And I've always kind of liked it.

The wind is always just a little bit eerie. Everything just a touch greyer. Except for an occasional spot of orange pumpkin on a brownstone.

But this year? I'm so over October.

Why did I ever think this month was the best one ever? It's the start of cold-and-flu season and never-ending coughing. The start of mice-looking-to-warm-up-and-get-in-your-apartment season. And now this weekend, it's going to snow. Seriously. The nerve of snow to show itself before November! Totally rude.

What next?

Ghost talk.

Yes. It has happened. A. has asked me if I believe in ghosts.

Now. You might think the best and easiest way to end this conversation would be to say "no such thing as ghosts." Only...who am I to say there aren't? Lots of reasonably intelligent people have had ghostly encounters. I have had one or two questionable ones. And let's be honest...if the ghost we are talking about is a deceased loved one, then maybe we want there to be ghosts after all. I personally would like to think there are one or two of them hanging around looking after us.

You think ghosts might like to babysit?

Anyway, I've had two questionable ghostly encounters. Here's one. Years ago, the husband and I were staying at a very remote inn in Scotland. Neither of us slept a wink that night. He had gotten attacked by midgies (little Scottish bugs)and was in the midst of a miserable allergy attack. I kept hearing strange noise like someone pacing in the hallway. But every time I opened the door to check, no one was there. Husband said "old building." I said "ghost." I mean, if you were a ghost, wouldn't you totally pick Scotland for haunting? Nice and gloomy.

And of course, I googled the inn once we got home and sure enough it did have a resident ghost. Hmmmm. Though when I googled some more, it seemed like pretty much every building in Scotland claimed to have one. Maybe it's good for tourism.

So. When A. asked me if there were really ghosts I said "some people think so." When her eyes widened, I said "but probably not."

So what do you think? It's almost Halloween. Tell me your creepiest, kookiest ghost tale. What have you got?

Yay for boobies

2011-09-28T13:11:00.000-07:00

If you are male and the title of this blog post excited you, you may want to stop reading right now. I'm serious. Stop. Right. Now. It's not what you think. It's not sexy. I promise.

Oh well. You've been warned.

Never in my life have I thought so much about my boobs. Not because they are so amazingly fabulous. But because I am breast feeding. And therefore as a working mom, always pumping. If I am not pumping, I am thinking about when I need to pump next. And where I can do it. And how I can keep it cold.

So you see, I am a bit obsessed.

This was especially apparent on my first business trip since going back to work after maternity leave. What made it especially challenging? I forgot the battery pack to my pump...meaning anywhere I had to pump, I had to plug it in. Nightmare.

This meant that while I thought I might wind up pumping in the airplane bathroom, I did not. Instead, I just stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, watching my boobs swell up like Pamela Anderson. I had to wait until I was back to the hotel for a marathon pumping session while watching a marathon of Sister Wives. Strangely addictive and horrifying at the same time.

Luckily, most of my time on the trip was spent at casting sessions, where I could excuse myself to pump in a very clean and tidy bathroom. Unfortunately, this also meant I kind of had to take over the bathroom for about a half hour, which meant everyone knew what I was up to. More talking about my boobs. I was starting to bore myself.

In case you are wondering, pumping itself can get pretty damn boring. Sometimes I talk on the phone while doing it or go on the computer. I read. I write. Other times, I do exercises. Yeah. I do. Standing up while pumping. You can totally do plies. Squats. Whatever. If I am stuck in a bathroom, it is better than staring at myself in the mirror since I will inevitably spot a new gray hair. Which makes me wonder if I am too old to have a new baby (too late!) and too old to be pumping. But still. Pump I do.

I can't help it; the boy is eight months old and still loves it. Our girl was never a super big fan of it and pretty much gave it up at around nine months. The boy, however, loves it. I would say that is one of his main hobbies in life. It's good for him. It's good for me. So this is why I do what I do.

Plus did I mention it burns a ton of calories?

Worst place I have pumped since going back to work? Probably in an Amtrak train bathroom that hadn't been cleaned in about 50 years. Worst experience? Being walked in on at the office while doing it (should have locked the damn door and he was more horrified than I was). A sign that I no longer give a crap about modesty? Allowing other people in my office while doing it (I was totally covered up and it was only once and the sound was pretty much humiliating for everyone and no, I don't recommend it).

As I type this, I'm sitting on an airplane, counting the minutes until I get home and don't have to pump. When I can feed a real live baby. So I can retire the pump for a day or two. I'm starting to feel like it's my boyfriend, which is not a good sign.

In case you're wondering...

2011-08-25T19:26:00.000-07:00

It's pretty much impossible to feel cool when you're walking around with breast pump parts.

Not that my goal in life is to be cool. At all. However, I do work in an industry where you don't want to be a complete dork. Unless you're doing it ironically, of course.

And carrying your breast pump parts to the kitchen to clean them well, nothing ironic about that.

Just embarrassing.

That is all.

Living the wild life in Brooklyn

2011-08-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

I don't like critters. Sorry my vegetarian friends. But I don't. So sue me.

That's why I chose to live in a city environment. Too many snakes and frogs and lizards in Florida for my liking. And in college, too many random gators. Yes, I know, ha, ha...I went to University of Florida, what could I expect. But seriously, the campus was crawling with the real ones. Anyone else remember the baby gator living in the pond by the student union? And I never understood why anyone went on romantic walks around Lake Alice....how romantic would it be if you stepped on an alligator? No thank you.

I realized once I got to the city that it has its own share of wildlife. Namely, the dreaded mice. When I first got here, I stayed in the NYU dorms where they had so many of them, you literally had to step over them. Then there was that mouse I accidentally toasted in our apartment over on 14th Street. After that, I thought it was a good idea to get a cat. It was. Didn't see any mice for about a dozen years.

But mice are nothing compared to raccoons, as it turns out.

So we have a lovely roofdeck that's perfect for watching the sunset on summer evenings. One night, A. went upstairs with a popsicle, my husband and my sister's boyfriend. She came running downstairs, claiming to see a raccoon. Ha, ha, I said.
Really, she insisted. My sister's boyfriend snapped a picture to prove it. We figured it was just lost. Visiting. Wouldn't happen again.

The next day my husband went upstairs to check on the roof deck. Our raccoon friend had apparently invited a few friends over. They were taking a sunbath. These tough Brooklyn raccoons saw my husband and basically gave him the finger.

Our neighbor went upstairs to check out the situation and snapped a photo of one of the raccoons in our chimney. You know. Making itself right at home.

A: I think raccoons are cute. I'm glad we have a new pet.

ME: This is not a pet. This is a dangerous animal.

A: No, it's not. SHE POINTS TO A PAGE IN HER SNOW WHITE BOOK. Look. This raccoon helped Snow White.

ME: Snow White's an idiot. She took a poisoned apple from a witch. Please don't try to pet the raccoon.

A: I KNOW THAT!

This is followed by an eye roll. Awesome. Love those eyerolls.

It was time to call in the big guns. A trapper. Of course, this is NYC and everyone is trying to make a buck. All the trappers know that the city folk cannot possibly handle something like this themselves. Heck, we can't even carry our own groceries...how can we be expected to catch a wild beast? You'd be surprised the numbers I was quoted. Our fellow coop neighbor found the cheapest guy in town. Mike the Trapper. He placed and baited the traps. And lo and behold, the first night out, he caught something.

He came the next day to pick up the raccoon. I wasn't sure what to expect. A big strapping guy in a plaid shirt, perhaps? He would most certainly have a beard. Don't all trappers have beards?

Instead, a little old guy came huffing and puffing up our steps.

MIKE THE TRAPPER: You need an elevator.

ME: Yes. I know.

I was a bit worried Mike the Trapper was going to collapse.

MIKE THE TRAPPER: You're pretty. You Italian?

ME: No. Sorry.

MIKE THE TRAPPER: Too bad. You're almost pretty enough to be Italian.

Now what is the proper response to this?

ME: Let's go get the raccoon.

We went upstairs. The metal trap was moving around on the roofdeck. Inside, a 20 pound beast was thrashing around, teeth bared. Mike the Trapper looked terrified.

MIKE THE TRAPPER: Oh sh*t.

He picked up the trap by the handle.

ME: Um...you're not going to open that thing are you?

The raccoon growled.

MIKE THE TRAPPER: Well, I guess I shouldn't release it.

ME: Definitely not.

The raccoon was now trying to pick the lock open with its teeth.

ME: Maybe you should bring it downstairs.

Mike picked it up. The raccoon continued to hiss and spit and basically act like Linda Blair. This guy wasn't going down without a fight.

MIKE THE TRAPPER: I think it might be rabid.

ME: Okay, then. Let's get it out of here.

MIKE THE TRAPPER: Lots of raccoons around here. And bats.

At this point, we are near our apartment. A. poked her head out.

A: I want to see the raccoon.

ME: No.

A: Can we visit it at the park sometime?

ME: Maybe.

MIKE THE TRAPPER: I'll be back tomorrow with more traps. Are you sure you aren't Italian?

Still not Italian. Still hate critters.

Food for thought

2011-07-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

So there's this scene in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer that always sticks out in my mind. It's where Santa has lost his appetite for some reason and Mrs. Claus is saying "eat, Papa, eat!" in a very distinct way that truthfully always reminded me of Goldie in Fiddler on the Roof. Was Mrs. Claus supposed to be Jewish? Or was this some Hollywood writer's clever way of letting you know who was writing the script?

In any case, I know it is a complete stereotype to say that a Jewish mom always wants to feed her kids. I hate to perpetuate this kind of thing. But for me, it is true. When A. started eating for the very first time, I loved the way her mouth sounded as she enjoyed all the new tastes. I have no idea why. I still love that she loves food; really, I have never seen anyone take such great pleasure in olives or sushi or chocolate chip cookies as she does.

And now there is Baby Boy.

If you read this blog at all you know that he was born with an esophagus connection problem that made the start of his life really challenging. Since then, he had to go back to the hospital once to have his esophagus dilated. This made it not quite so narrow and made feeding him sooooo much better. He loves to eat and literally smacks his lips when I come in the room. Baby Boy is so happy and smiley you'd never guess what the first eight weeks of his life were like.

And then one day, it happened. He stole a French fly off Daddy's plate.

Don't worry, he didn't eat it. But it was pretty clear the boy was ready to eat. Our pediatrician wanted him to start slowly so his six-month birthday came and went without any baby cereal or baby food. Although I will admit to giving him a taste of popsicle. He loved it so much, I felt terrible for not letting him finish it. The thing is, his breathing started to sound "wet"...which is something that usually lets us know he isn't swallowing the way he should. So I pulled it away and he yelled at me like well, a baby. He's not much of a yeller either so I knew he was ticked.

Yesterday, we got the thumbs up to feed him baby food. So last night, he got his first taste of pureed sweet potatoes...made even thinner with milk. Just a few teaspoonfuls but man, he loved it. He ate it really neatly too, as though he was not going to waste a drop.

We sat and listened and made sure everything went down the way it should. It's different with him; while I don't want to think of food as the enemy, there is still a chance that at some point in his life, the food will get stuck and we will wind up back in the hospital. This is pretty common with guys like him.

I still love the little noise his mouth makes.

I just want him to love to eat like the way his sister does. He completely deserves it.

Tonight's menu....avocado. As Mrs. Claus would say, eat, baby, eat.

The baby holder

2011-05-26T13:08:00.000-07:00

I'm not that kind of woman.

I don't ask to hold other people's babies. Not my thing. Never has been. Don't get me wrong; I always thought kids were cute and fun. But babies? Not as cute as everyone pretended they were. And definitely not that much fun. Way too needy. Kind of selfish, really.

And then I had my first baby and didn't want to put her down. Especially not around other babies, who all clearly had runny noses, stinky diapers and drool. My baby never had a runny nose (honest...didn't get sick her first year though she has more than made up for it since) and she wasn't a big drooler. And as turned out, she was super fun. Obviously, she just had a better personality than all the other babies out there. Those other babies were dicks when they cried. Mine was just trying to communicate with me.

So you would assume after having a baby, I would totally have no problem holding them. Might even crave it as some women claim to do. Nope. Not at all. Anytime I held another person's baby, I felt like I was cheating on my own. And at the same time I was making inevitable comparisons to my daughter...like, this baby is really way too fat UNLIKE MINE. This baby is kind of whiny UNLIKE MINE. Man, I'm glad my baby doesn't do THAT.

And now I have a second baby. And I can't put him down. And I hate to share him with other people. And every time someone else picks him up, I am inwardly critiquing the way they are holding him.

So the next time you ask to hold my baby, please don't be offended if I drop you in a vat of Purell first. And more importantly, don't be upset if I don't ask to hold your bambino. Because really, I just can't cheat on Baby Boy like that. And all my oohs and ahhs and coos, well, they will be rather forced.

Pondering

2011-05-03T05:41:00.000-07:00

What exactly? What is going through his head as he sits in his bouncy seat watching the whale, polar bear and little snow globe thing-y for minutes on end?

Yes, I know there are more pressing things going on in the world right now. But in our little corner of the planet, this is what I wonder about.

Baby Boy loves his bouncy seat. And we love it to since sometimes it allows us to eat a meal while he is amused. Not an entire one but hey, I am not complaining.

I turn on the toy bar and he stares at it like it is the most interesting thing in the world. What is he thinking? He appears deep in thought. Here are a few guesses:

"Why is it snowing inside the house?"

"What is snow?"

"That whale is wearing a very smug expression."

"If I stare at this whale long enough, maybe it will feed me."

"I think that whale kind of looks like a breast."

"If I keep kicking my legs, maybe I can fly."

"Dear whale: I am going to kick your ass one day."

"Do they really think I find this amusing? Are you surprised I only want to spend ten minutes in this thing? When are they going to get me a Kindle already?"

You just know

2011-04-13T09:34:00.000-07:00

How do you know when people don't like the baby name you've chosen? Well, it's not too difficult. Here are some typical responses to what we've named Baby Boy:

"Well, you don't hear that one every day."

"Is that a family name?"

"What nickname does he go by?"

"What do you think the kids in school are going to call him?"

"What nationality is that name?"

"Lots of letters in that name. Spell it."

Good thing we're only trying to please ourselves. We are really happy with the name we've chosen for the little guy. It took almost eight months to think of it so if people don't like it, well, you can't please all the people all the time.

I don't really think the world needs another Max or Jaden or Aiden. So we'll stick with our somewhat unusual baby name, thank you. And anyway, we live in Brooklyn where we have met children named Sequoia and Cyrus and Atticus.

Don't worry. It's still better than a Boy Named Sue.

So there's this new bachelor in town...

2011-03-14T10:43:00.000-07:00

At the moment, he weighs 5 pounds, 11 oz. He can get a bit feisty and he's totally obsessed with my breasts. But what can I say, I'm in love.

So in case you haven't heard, our son showed up about 5 weeks early. This is not entirely surprising since our daughter showed up 4 weeks early. What a lot of you guys may not know is, he was born with a condition called TEF (tracheoesophageal fistula) which is an abnormal connection between the esophagus and the trachea. I could go into a very long and drawn out explanation or I could just tell you that his esophagus and stomach were not connected when he was born. That's where our story begins.

Now....I truthfully feel that the best way to get through life happily is to try to just focus on the here and now. This is why I skip high school reunions (plus high school sucked). That said, we've had a long strange trip these last few weeks and maybe our story will help someone sometime. I don't know. Here goes:

I couldn't have been happier when I got pregnant this summer. We took all the prenatal tests and everything looked good. And then during an anatomy scan via sonogram....the baby's stomach was hardly visible. Huh. What did this mean? Lots of various theories and more tests later (fetal ecocardiograms and MRI's, etc) and it seemed all the doctors agreed that our son more than likely had TEF. The good news? It could be fixed. The not great news? It's something you have to keep an eye on the kid's whole life...since once they fix the esophagus, it is very narrow and can cause choking. It can also cause your kid to accidentally aspirate food into his lungs and cause pneumonia. And your kid is way more susceptible to germs and respiratory illnesses.

So not that I am the type of person who skips through pregnancy all aglow and feeling all mother earthy anyway. But...this finding put a major damper on things, to say the least. I don't know if I smiled the last trimester at all.

January rolled around and on top of everything else, sonograms revealed the baby wasn't growing as much as he should have been. So the doctors strongly felt Baby Boy needed to come out. I had a C-section. My ob said it was up to us if we wanted the C-section or not but that if the baby had TEF, he might be in distress during the birth process. That was all we needed to hear. I did the C...though I really really really didn't want one and was kind of terrified.

When Baby Boy was born, he did indeed have TEF. There were about 20 doctors there in the delivery room....surgeons, neonatologists, the works. They whisked him off to the NICU and immediately hooked him up to a gazillion tubes...IV, ventilator, etc. Three days later, they performed the surgery to connect the esophagus and stomach. They managed to make the connection even though the esophagus was exceedingly narrow.

Slowly slowly Baby Boy weaned him off IV and give him breast milk via tube. And then....we got a call that Baby Boy was having trouble breathing. Xrays showed something on his lungs. You don't really know what terror is until you get a phone call saying "either your son has pneumonia or some sort of consolidation on his lungs." Not a fun night.

Eventually, they figured out that Baby Boy was leaking lymphatic fluid from the operation. Apparently, this happens sometimes. Stupid lymphatic fluid, go away. They put in a chest tube to drain it. They put him on special formula that is easily digestible for kids who have had surgery. Eventually, they started him back up on breast milk again.

Meanwhile, weeks went by. The NICU is like that....it's like Vegas...all kinds of sounds and lights and you never really know what time it is.

For those who don't know what a NICU is, that's the nursery for really small or sick babies. If you ever want some perspective on life, spend some time in the NICU. You will begin to think that what you do for a living is really really stupid. Doctors and nurses perform miracles every day. Sure, there are a few bad seeds out there but most of them are really quite amazing. They walk among us like regular people when in fact, they keep people alive.

At the NICU, we had our favorite nurses. We had a couple not-so-favorite and one we so strongly disliked we asked off our case. She was a night nurse told us our son's respiratory rate was 7. The normal rate is in the 90's...and anyone who spent any time in the NICU would know that a rate of 7 would be highly dangerous and close to impossible. If I could understand that as a definitely non-medical person, I was very concerned that she could not see that. But she was the exception, not the rule. Mostly, I saw my son receive a lot of tender loving care in the NICU and his victories were the nurses' victories too.

Eventually, Baby Boy made progress. He was moved out of the incubator and into a crib. Still hooked up to lots of monitors but no tubes. I went to the hospital to breast feed him and stayed as long as possible every day. I felt strongly about being home for dinner every night so everything would seem "normal" to our daughter. Of course, she is smart and sensed things were absolutely not normal at all. But we pretended it was.

In the meantime, I joined this little club of parents who were at the NICU every day. Reading and talking and singing to little three pound babies. And pumping. And pumping. And pumpin. Man, do I hate the pumping room at the hospital. They were these weird little sectioned off areas where women could pump breast milk for their babies. There was one woman I called The Pump Singer....she would pump and sing every day. Really annoying, in case you're wondering. Plus she sang the oddest things. Mac the Knife? Really? Boogie Woogie Buggle Boy? I guess we all have to do what we need to do to keep our spirits up. At one point I was tempted to shout out "Free Bird!" but I restrained myself.

There came a time when I started to feel like I worked there. Maybe it was when I started running into people I knew at the cafeteria. Or when I could tell residents looking for certain babies where they were. "Oh, the Smith Twin B? She got moved into the other room." At any rate, it seemed as though it was time for Baby Boy to come home. All the nurses said he was ready. And finally one day, when we least expected it, he was.

We brought him home in a pouring rain storm last Sunday night. We had one of those old school Brooklyn guys as our car service driver which I thought was a great introduction to the neighborhood for Baby Boy. When he dropped us off, he said "Now he's back in Brooklyn where he belongs." In like the best Brooklynese on the planet. And it's true. Baby Boy is back where he belongs.

And one day, when Baby Brother isn't a baby any more and is doing something that could really endanger himself (and he will if he is anything like his father) I will bust out the Jewish guilt remind him of everything he put us through and therefore he MUST stop doing what he is doing immediately, our hearts just can't take seeing him get hurt.

I can't wait for that day.

"She's like an itsy bitsy Barbie doll with the soul of Mother Theresa."

2011-01-18T14:59:00.000-08:00

My new year’s resolution was not to be a complainer. Most things we complain about, we can’t change anyway, we are just randomly bitching, so why bother? Plus no one likes a whiner.

So I’m not whining or anything, but last week really kind of sucked. Our girl got a cold that turned in RSV (a respiratory thing that is pretty serious for little kids) and wound up in the hospital for three days. And our baby boy might show up any day so that’s a bit on the stressful side too. But just for the record, I’m not complaining. Nope. Not a bit. Just stating the facts. If I was the type who really blew sunshine up your ass (my favorite phrase from my friend Suzanne) I would even say it could always be worse.

Anyway, suffice to say with everything going on, I did not watch The Bachelor last week. I know. Priorities, priorities. I did watch it last night, minus a brief interruption to read bedtime stories. In case you are wondering, Rapunzel ends happily and with a pretty spiffy haircut (though alas, a brunette which apparently is a catastrophic ending when you are a four-year-old girl). Here’s my thoughts overall (on the Bachelor, not Rapunzel):

Brad is a stressball. He is so worried about America hating him again that he will do anything to ensure he won’t. Meaning he is being very careful around the girls. And I don’t think you necessarily fall in love being careful.

Brad has no sense of humor. He might even be the type you need to explain a joke. And then he says “wow, that was funny.”

Brad is a sucker for girls below the Mason Dixon Line. If you think this is a sexual reference, then you need to get out more.

So here is about the point I tuned in. Brad was out on a date with the Ashley the Southern nanny. She is like 22 years old and seems younger. Okay, fine. They are going to record “Kiss from a Rose” together. A sure sign that Seal is doing what he can to afford Heidi Klum. I heard they throw themselves a wedding every year, that could get kind of expensive. Anyway, they warn the sound engineer that they are going to sound awful. They do not disappoint. The sound engineer holds his head and says “that’s dreadful.” And it is. It is only when you hear the real Seal singing (which he does) that you realize that he is very incredibly talented and Brad and Ashley are frighteningly bad.

The rest of the date is pretty boring…lots of talk of her dad who passed away. Not that I am not sympathetic but this is boring television. They kiss, she gets a rose, no big surprises.

Back at the mansion, there’s going to be a group date. I can’t remember everyone going on but the simple fact is Michelle is one of them. Michelle is the resident psycho, in case you’re wondering. Apparently the group date is them filming an action movie. Sigh. So stupid. Why do they bother? These sorts of things they film always turn out incredibly lame. Luckily this is when my girl requested I read her Rapunzel and I gratefully accepted the distraction.

By the time I tuned back in, Brad was having a heart-to-heart with Chantel O. Not to be confused with Shawtel the Mortician. How can you tell these two apart? Chantel O. is the one who works for her dad’s used car dealership. She is also SPOILER ALERT! the supposed winner. She is crying about something by the time I get to them and then they make out.

Then everyone is in the swimming pool. During Alli’s alone time with Brad, Michelle sneaks up behind them and waits for Alli to leave. She then attacks Brad. This doesn’t help her get the rose, which goes to Shawntel the Motician.

Next day, next date. This time it is with Emily, the sweet country gal with the tale of woe. She’s the one who lost her fiancé in a place crash and has a daughter. Of course, Brad doesn’t know any of these. He decides to take her to wine country because really, what’s more fun than wine country? Except he decides to get there via prop plane. Doh! Naturally, Emily doesn’t explain any of these to Brad, just sits there like a lump. He asks what she is like and she says “I’m like everybody.” Really? That’s the best you’ve got? I realize you don’t want to be Debbie Downer and tell your sad tale but right now you’ve got about all the personality of chopped liver. Not that you know what that is, being from West Virginia and all.

Brad is getting frustrated, thinking she is just another hot blonde with no personality. Finally, she fesses up and tells her sad tale. For some reason, this makes Brad happy….she isn’t dreary because of him! Or because she has no personality! She is dreary because her life is sucky! Yay! Someone with well-deserved angst!

It’s cocktail party time. A few highlights? Michelle telling Brad that they are in a “fight” and he hasn’t seemed to notice it. Madison the Vampire telling Brad she’s thinking of leaving because she doesn’t deserve him. Uh huh. Really, it’s because your contract only had you appearing on two shows and you need to get back to auditions. Here is how the rose ceremony panned out. Keep in mind that Ashley, Emily and Shantel the Mortician have roses already:

Rose #1: Michelle
Rose #2: Chantel O.

At this point, Madison and her vampire teeth dramatically walks out and leaves. Do we care? No!

Rose #3 Lisa (who?)
Rose #4 Jackie
Rose #5 Ashley H the Dentist
Rose #6 Marissa
Rose #7 Britt
Rose #8 Alli
Rose #9 LInsy
Rose #10 Meghan
Rose #11 Stacy….

Who’s out? Three blondes: Sarah the Debutante, Kimberly and of course, Madison. I think I remember this from last time…Brad is definitely more in the brunette camp. Next week, we see that Brad takes the women to be on Loveline with Dr. Drew. Because that’s always a good idea…to talk about sex with people you haven’t had any with yet.

That’s it folks. Not particularly funny but I do the best with what I’ve got.

Happy snowy, sloshy Tuesday.

Nan

"Can I ask....are you wearing fangs?"

2011-01-04T07:29:00.000-08:00

Soul searching. Intensive therapy. Groveling. That's what last night's Bachelor Show was all about. Does that sound fun to you? Mmmm....not so much. But surprisingly, not a terrible show. Then again, after the last season, the bar is rather low...

So we begin the show with Brad talking about alone he felt after leaving both girls standing at the alter last time. How he is "closed off" and spent three years in intensive therapy. In case you don't believe him, we get to meet his shrink. What?! Really? Is this engaging television? As if reading my mind, the producers begin what I call "the chest montage."

Now. I'm not saying they shouldn't. Brad has a great chest. And since he appears to be...well, vertically challenged, they may as well play up the chest. But it was starting to look like a Skinamax Late Night Feature. C'mon....the shot of him in the pool with the water glistening off him? Really? Is that necessary? And could his tattoo of a cross possibly be any bigger? Is he trying to ward off vampires? Or just Jewish girls? Anyway...

We also spend some time get a little glimpse of the girls that will be vying for his attentions this season. There is Ashley the Dentist who believes dentistry is an "art form and the mouth is my canvas." There is Shawntel the funeral director. There is Michelle the Man Eater from Utah who tells her five-year-old daughter "mommy needs to find a husband." Then there is Madison the Vampire. Now why do I think that any real vampire would not be named Madison? Oh wait...there aren't any real vampires. There are however, girls who have perhaps read a few too many Twilight books and think they will up their chances of hooking up with Robert Pattinson if they get their teeth carved into fangs. Yes, she did, my friends. Girlfriend's got fangs and they appear to be permanent.

There is also the sad story of Emily from Charlotte, a very blond Southern belle who looks a bit like Holly Madison without the implants. She got engaged at 19, her fiance died in a plane crash and she finds out the day after that she is pregnant with their daughter. This tale is just too sorrowful for ABC's supposed "happy ending" if you ask me but I wish the poor thing well.

Okay. In the meantime, Chris and Brad have a sit down about what he's been doing for the past three years. Brad spends a lot of time blaming his father for the way he is. Now. I do think it sounds like Brad had kind of d-bag of a father. However, I think at a certain point...like say in your mid-thirties perhaps....you need to start taking responsibility for your own actions. Not to quote Dr. Phil but "you've gotta rise above your raising." Okay, I just quoted Dr. Phil. So sue me. I promise, I really don't watch it on a regular basis. I get most of my real wisdom from Patti Stranger.

Now for some reason, ABC thought it would be a good idea to bring back Deanna and Jenny and have them "confront" Brad about leaving them at the altar. Why? They are both engaged to other people. And this is actually Deanna's second engagement...clearly, they have moved on. Brad is very humble and sweaty and says things like "you guys made me a better person." Jenny says "I'm hopeful for you." Deanna says "I'm skeptical it will work out for you." At least she is consistent.

Okay. It's limo time. Time to meet the ladies. These are just my initial first impressions so you can try to keep track of them all:

1. Chantal. This is the used car salesperson from Seattle. Dark hair, green dress, basically cute. Gets out of the limo and says "I have something for you from every woman in America, Brad." She then proceeds to slap him in the face. Brad looks honestly surprised so if this was a set-up, it was at least well-acted. It kinda made me like her. I think it scared the hell out of Brad.

2. Kimberly. A pretty blonde in sparkly purple. Kind of does weird stuff with her mouth.

3. Alli. A very tall brunette in green with huge boobs. And as she points out later, a big tush. The Kardashian of the group.

4. Ashley. Well, butter my biscuit...a real Southern belle living in NYC, working as a nanny. Very skinny and the camera adds ten pounds. She grabs Brad's butt. Or as we like to call it in our house "heiny." Or booty. Or tush. Or bum. We talk about that area of the body more than I would like, actually.

5. Meghan. A Girl in weird pink shoes. I'm all for weird pink shoes but these weren't even cute. Don't remember anything else about her.

6. Marissa. A cute brunette in a light pink prom dress. Asks Brad if he is okay being with someone whose whole life revolves around sports? Duh.

7. Lindsy. A redhead from Dallas wearing a red dress. I thought most redheads didn't wear red because it washed them out? Redheads, care to comment?

8. Ashley the Dentist. Not to be confused with Southern Ashley. She is wearing a few too many sparkles for my taste.

9. Rachail. The Manscaper. This is what she calls herself. Trying to make waxing body hair sound more interesting than it is. She has the first really truly bad spray tan of the night. I think it makes her look kinda old.

10. Madison the Vampire. She purrs "you look delicious." She is a pretty blonde wearing red (GET IT??) so Brad seems not to notice her extended eye teeth. This is officially my pick for the ABC plant. No way this girl is for real.

11. Melissa. A blondey blonde who does a running leap into Brad's arms. Luckily, she is about the size of a ten-year-old boy so it isn't hard for him to catch her.

12. Renee. Another nanny, this time in a blue prom dress. Kind of annoying voice.

13. Christy. Bad posture girl. Needs a bra with better lift, if you know what I mean.

14. Jackie. An artist from New York. Kinda looks like Rachel on Glee. I think she is too New York-y (meaning she is either Jewish, Italian or Hispanic) for him.

15. Sarah P. Another blonde but this time in more of a debutante kind of way. A bit matronly. Makes him get on one knee and pretend to propose.

16. Lacy. Wearing lavender. That's all I got.

17. Lisa P. Another New York girl. Blonde in a black bubble skirt.

18. Shawntel the Funeral Director. A brunette wearing yellow.

19. A hand beckons from the limo. It is Britnee! No, not that Britnee. But Britnee with the Bump-It. If you don't know what a bump-it is, you are truly missing out. It is some sort of cone that you stick in your hair to give you "lift." If you are north of the Mason-Dixon line, you have no need for one of these things. Poor Britnee. The only thing worse than being named that is having it spelled with two ee's.

20. Stacy. A bartender from Boston. Has that scratchy, I've-spent-too-many-nights-in-a-bar-kinda-voice. Since Brad owns a couple of bars, I imagine they will get along just fine.

21. Jill. Shiny black hair wearing black. Kinda looks like a tall Morticia Adams. Tells Brad immediately she is looking to get married. Always a bad sign, if you ask me.

22. Lisa from Kansas. Comes out the limo wearing red ruby slippers. No, I'm not joking.

23. Rebecca from CA. Kisses Brad immediately. Good thing since we never see her again.

24. J. That's her whole name. Wow, maybe I don't need to think of a name for my unborn child, just an initial. It's very minimalist, that's for sure. She is so minimalist, she kind of just disappears and we never notice her again.

25. And lastly, we have Keltie. Who extends her leg up the length of the limo. Oh dear. But wait! She's a Rockette! Maybe she can Brad a discount at Radio City to see the phenomenally bad Christmas Show. Sorry, but it really sucks.

26. Next we have someone who think might be named Sarah L or Sam L, my notes are too messy. Anyway, it doesn't matter since we hardly ever see her again.

27. Emily. The sweet Southern belle with the sad sad tale. Brad is entranced by her thick as molasses accent.

28. Britt. A chef and food writer who looks like a mermaid. Seriously, totally Darryl Hannah from Splash.

29. Michelle the Maneater. Wearing a jungley-print dress, perfect for hunting husbands.

30. Oops. I've got one out of order here. Lauren in gold. Hair in some intricate twist. I forgot her because well...she seems kinda forgettable. Brad forgot about her too.

Next begins the cocktail party. Otherwise known as "Brad pleads his case." He has the same conversation with every girl there about how he has changed, soul-searched, blah, blah blah. Highlights included the Manscaper waxing Brad's wrist and talking about how she has waxed men's "under carriage". Jackie singing a made-up song in a kind of wanna-be Broadway voice. Alli asking Brad if he could handle her big booty. And Renee and Alli trying to steal Brad away from each other time and time again.

Emily tells Brad she is a "coal miner's daughter" and I am waiting for her to bust into some Loretta Lynn. No deal, though. The fun part is Brad asking Madison the Vampire if she is wearing fangs. She assures Brad she is here for "the right reasons." Bachelor blood, of course.

The first impression rose goes to Southern Ashley, who told him that no matter what, she was there to be his friend. Kind of lame in my opinion but the man is a sucker for a Southern drawl. Here is how the Rose Ceremony played out:

1. Michelle the Maneater.

2. Kimberly the blonde from NC

3. Madison the Vampire who pretends to bite him.

4. Emily the Sweet Southern belle.

5. Raichel the Manscaper

6. Keltie the rockette

7. Ashley the Dentist

8. Meghan the Morticia Look Alike

9. Lisa M the girl from Kansas with red slippers

10. Lindsy the Redhead from Texas

11. Alli....the Kardashian

12. Sarah P the Debutante

13. Marissa the Girl in the Prom Dress

14. Britt the Mermaid

15. Stacy the Barmaid

16. Shawntel the Mortician

17. Jackie the Glee Girl

18. Melissa the Skinny

19. Chantal the Slapper

Who's out? Do you really care? We hardly know these people at this point. Britnee the Bumpit is gone. So is Lisa P from NYC. We see scenes from this season and it appears they have decided Michelle will be the crazy one in the house. She also somehow gets a black eye.

That's all I got folks! We're off to an interesting start...I think. Thoughts? Anyone? Anyone?

Happy Tuesday,
N

Sucker

2011-01-03T08:02:00.000-08:00

Yes. That's me. Because I will attempt to watch The Bachelor tonight.

Do I have better things to do with my time? Well, yeah. Like sleep. Prepare for the baby that is set to show up in this house in about six weeks. Clean. Do work. Etc, etc.

But instead I will watch Brad the Bachelor, the finicky, kind-of-short, somewhat hickish Bachelor do his thing. And then write about it.

It's a sickness, I tell you.

Who's with me?

Name, name, what's your name?

2010-12-22T11:09:00.000-08:00

This is the way A.'s ballet class starts out every week. I'm sure at some point they will just start with warm-up exercises but when you're four, you start with a song.

And the song is important because that way everyone knows everyone else's name. Plus it's helped me learn that if you are the type of parent who puts your daughter in ballet, you are also usually the type of parent who names your daughter with something that ends in the letter "a." I include myself in that category.

I will say when we named our daughter, I didn't know anyone else with that name. It also worked perfectly with the middle name we wanted for her, Jo, which was the name of my husband's mother. So it seemed perfect...an old-fashioned name that wasn't super popular but not something so obscure people looked at you funny.

Safe to say, lots of people must have felt the same way about that name because A's name is everywhere now. And on the rise. Sigh.

Now, I must tell you as someone named Nanette, I have strong opinions about names. I was usually the only Nanette in the room and I liked it that way. Even now, on the rare occasion I meet one, I tend not to like the person automatically. The name is mine...go away and be Nanette someplace else. I'm sorry if this sounds ridiculous but you can't possibly understand my situation if you have a name like Michael or Lisa or Jennifer. If your name runs to the unusual side, well, you tend to be a little protective of it and want to keep it that way.

Of course, as a kid, I totally wanted a name you could find on a light switch or a pencil or a bike license plate. But once I accepted the fact that was never going to happen, I started to feel a little superior and yes, smug that my name wasn't like anyone else's. At least it was memorable. And let's face it, light switches with your name on it are pretty lame anyway.

So imagine my dismay when I discovered that A's name is creeping up the name popularity list. And horror of horrors, she isn't the only one in her ballet class who has it. There are not 2 A's, but three. THREE.

And now, I'm pregnant with a boy. We do not have a name yet. We do have letters we would like to use as his first and middle initials but that is it. I have a few names I like. But. They are not terribly terribly unusual. Most unusual names for boys strike me as trying too hard. Or just hard to wear for a lifetime. So we are struggling. Do we go more common (but not trendy....nothing that rhymes with -aden since that makes me ill) or do we branch out? Do we dare to name him something like Atticus or does that also bear with it the annoyance of having every person he ever meets bring up "To Kill a Mockingbird?" I mean, I can't tell you how many people bring up the musical No, No, Nanette...which is a pretty mediocre musical at best. Do I want to do that to my son?

Here are my personal requirements:

Something simple

Something that starts with M, W, B or J

Nothing too ethnic...of any ethnicity

Nothing that ends in the "y" sound

Nothing that is unisex...since I think once it becomes a popular name for a girl, the girls own it.

Nothing that sounds too harsh to the ear (for example the name Bram would be out since to me it sounds like a noise a goat would make).

Nothing too trendy

Nothing that sounds like it could possibly be the name of a serial killer.

So you see, my requirements are simple, really. Any suggestions? Send 'em my way. I'm sure you have an opinion, everybody does.

Things I am not qualified to explain

2010-12-09T07:49:00.000-08:00

There are a lot. Higher math, football special teams, the Tea Party, just to name a few. But it wasn't until a recent trip to Florida that I realized this also included the nativity scene.

I know what you're thinking. What's to explain? It's a baby, his parents, some kings and some sheep. Of course, there is way more significance to it but being a Jew, I can really only topline it. I don't know all the intricacies and to be honest, never really considered them. Until A. and I encountered a nativity scene in a mall in Florida.

A: Look Mommy! Dolls!

I looked around frantically for my husband. As the non-Jewish half of the parental unit, this was his job to explain. I had already covered Chanukah, Passover, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Purim....even Tu Bishvat. This manger scene surely qualified as his territory. Alas, he was no where to be found, lost in the hateful labyrinth that is Sawgrass Mills mall. I sighed.

ME: Well....they aren't dolls exactly.

A: I want to touch them.

ME: Oh, no, you can't.

A: Why?

ME: They aren't meant to be touched.

A. rolled her eyes at me. A new thing she has learned in PreK. Thanks, PreK.

A: There are kings there. Why are there three? Who is the real king? And where is the queen. Why is that lady dressed as a bride?

ME: She isn't. She is the mommy of the little baby.

A: Is it a boy baby?

ME: Yes. His name is Jesus.

A: Well, it looks like a girl to me.

ME: Trust me. It's a boy.

A: Why are there sheep there? That's funny.

ME: Everyone wanted to visit the baby.

A: Sheep don't visit babies.

ME: Well, in this case, they did. Lots of people thought he was a special baby.

A: Why?

Oh dear. Where is my HUSBAND??

A: Is that lady clapping?

ME: Who? Mary?

A: How do you know her name?

ME: Everyone knows her name. She is not clapping. She is praying.

At this point, A. attempts to leap over the fence surrounding the nativity scene.

ME: Hey. No.

A: I want to hold the baby.

ME: I told you. You can't.

A: But it's a baby doll. I want to hold her.

ME: It's a "he."

A: I think it's a girl. Ohhhh. Look over there.

ME: Santa Claus?

A: No. Ice cream.

ME: Let's go.

A: Can I pet the sheep?

ME: Not this sheep.

A: Bye Jesus! Hey, maybe that's what we should name Baby Brother.

ME: Hmmm. Maybe not.

Author! Author!

2010-11-10T19:34:00.000-08:00

It's not that I planned on my daughter becoming a writer or anything. It's just that I assumed, well, it might be a possibility. It being in her blood and all.

Dad and Mom, both writers. The girl was doomed.

And okay, so maybe, just maybe, when I was considering baby names, I thought about how hers might look on the cover of a book. The name would have some gravitas for it to work. I just didn't think anything too cutesy or sexy will set her up for a possible place on the best seller's list. Lacy was clearly out.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

So yesterday was our first parent-teacher conference at A's preschool. We got to view her art "portfolio" among other things. And then the teacher presented the book that A had written and illustrated.

"It's about a princess," The teacher said. Surprise, surprise. We nodded and smiled at the pink scribbles on the front cover. "Want to read it?"

Of course we did.

It went like this:

"Once there was a princess. She died."

Okay. But it continued.

"And then there was an airplane. It fell out of the sky and broke. The end."

We nodded.

"Well," I said to my husband later. "Clearly she is more of a plot-driven writer than a character-driven one."

"Should we be worried?"

"Nah. Maybe she's more of an action/adventure type writer."
He looked at me.

"It's fine. So she'll appeal to more commercial markets that way."

He sighed.

A writer is born.

Please stand clear of the huge stomach that's about to hit you in the face

2010-10-07T13:21:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I was hoping I wasn't going to have to write this. Really, I was.

I am always the first to defend New Yorkers and their manners. All kinds of random acts of kindness have befallen me through the years. And some random acts of not-much-kindness but still. The good clearly outweighs the bad.

And then I got pregnant.

Now, this is obviously not my first time as a pregnant mama in NYC. I made it through 8 months of subway commutes last go around, made even worse by a super hot summer and extremely puffy feet. And while I didn't get a seat every time, I did get a lot of offers. Yes, we could talk about who usually offered the seats (generally youngish African American men or Latino men) or what lines were better for getting seats (the F is very mama friendly, the 6 forget about it)...but the point is, I got offers.

This time, I've been offered a seat exactly twice. I might add that I ride the subway at least twice a day during the week, usually more.

There is the old avert-the-eyes trick. This is particularly lame when my stomach is practically smacking you in the face. There is the I've-seen-you-and-now-I-am-suddenly asleep. Oh yes, you clearly deserve an Oscar. The worst is, I've-seen-you-and-it-is-your-fault-for-getting-pregnant look. This usually comes from some 20-something woman who cannot fathom letting themselves get fat enough to get preg. Sort of a you-brought-it-on-yourself-now-deal look.

Now. I am not an invalid. There are clearly people who deserve a seat more than me. But. My back really really hurts. Sometimes I feel a bit queasy. Sometimes, weird pains hit me at odd times, like the little homie inside is trying to make a break for it. A seat would be awfully, awfully nice.

So all I have to say to those of you pretending not to see or pretending to sleep or judging my condition, karma is a bitch, man. One day you will be pregnant or someone you love might be. And I'm telling you, what comes around, goes around.

Come on, New Yorkers, I'm rooting for you. Don't let me down. Help a sister out, why don't you. I don't want to have to take back all the nice things I've said about you.

My new boyfriend

2010-09-14T18:54:00.000-07:00

In case you're wondering, his name is Jay. In case you're wondering, yes, my husband does know about him. And he totally approves.

Jay is really tall and slim and we spend a lot of time in bed together. That's because Jay is my new body pillow. He is as long as a king size bed, which is quite impressive, really. Mostly, he lies there smugly, waiting to be snuggled, which he knows will happen since I need serious comfort. He is also shaped like the letter "J." Hence, his name.

Why do I need Jay in my life?

Simple. I am pregs.

If you're reading this, you probably already know this information because I announced it to all 408 of my Facebook friends last week. Yes, perhaps kind of cheesy to declare it to the whole world that way. But I've spent a lot of time worrying about this situation. So finally, it was a relief to sort of shout from the electronic rooftops.

And now you know why I haven't been blogging. Hard to share things about yourself when the biggest thing happening in your life you can't talk about. But I'm back. And I promise not to be pregnancy girl talk all the time. Because let's face it...if you are a male, you do not care. And if you are a female, you've already been there...done that. Or if you haven't done that, you might be completely horrified by the gory details. So I'll keep that talk to a dull roar.

Meanwhile, our girl is super excited about the prospect of a baby brother. We'll see how girlfriend feels about it when he starts waking her up in the middle of the night. Currently, she is kind of pissed off that he hasn't shown up yet. She still claims to like the name Cream Cheese but has opened up her options to include Mango, Butter or Zack.

My current hopes are that Baby Boy doesn't show up early like Baby Girl did, that he never dates a Kardashian and that he stops forcing me to eat things like Sprees, Smarties and slices of lemon. Oh, and that he stops leaning on that part of my back that I believe the doctor called the sciatic nerve. I thought only old people had sciatica. Apparently either this isn't true or I am old.

Anyway, that's where my boyfriend Jay comes in. A snuggle from Jay keeps the sciatica away. After all, he's got to earn his keep. Boyfriend kinda hogs the bed.

What I won't be watching...probably

2010-08-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

Okay. Maybe...just maybe...if I am having an exceptionally horrific day I might turn on the new show, Bachelor Pad again. Most likely not. Here's why:

Eating contests.

Dude. Disgusting. Someone inevitably barfs and that is just something no one needs to see. Bad enough that sometimes you do it...or even worse...have to clean up someone else's. I also realized something profound as I watched people like Krissily and Tenley compete in Survivor-style challenges...I fundamentally don't care about these people. At all. Not saying I will never blog about Bachelor-related things again but I do not care about this pack of Bachelor rejects. I wish them well. I just no longer wish them on my television anymore.

But the folks from Glee, True Blood and Mad Men? More, please.

Summer's been crazy but now that it's almost over...I plan to pay a bit more attention to the blog again. Starting with redesigning it because I must say...these polka dots are making me a bit dotty. So watch for it.

Until then, I must go prepare for a princess party.

A blog about why I'm not blogging

2010-06-22T10:28:00.000-07:00

I totally didn't blog about the Bachelorette last week. And I won't be this week. Here is why:

1. Ali is just unpleasant to watch. I don't find her charming. Or even cheesy enough to mock, like Jake. Basically, she is boring. No interest in spending time analyzing her life.

2. I 'm pretty sure she doesn't pick anyone. The only one she has chemistry with is Roberto. And she's insecure around him because she thinks he is too good looking for her.

3. I think she is trying to get herself a gig on Dancing with the Stars. Oy.

4. None of these guys are very appealing either. You need someone to root for. Who is it this time? The greasy-haired professional wrestler, Rated R? The casting is horrible.

5. I am saving my energy for the new show, Bachelor Pad...which will feature lots of controversial people from Bachelor Shows past. Michelle with the crazy eyes? Check. Elizabeth the girl who wouldn't kiss? Check. David with anger management problem? Check. I'm so in.

In the meantime, sorry if I have disappointed you. But I just can't waste my time writing about this. I'm saving myself for other things.

Have a good Tuesday,
N

Poo poo

2010-06-15T19:10:00.000-07:00

That is my daughter's favorite word to say, unfortunately. She thinks it is hilarious. So would I, if it wasn't coming out of her mouth. When things get more serious than she would like, that is what she says...poo poo. And then waits for a laugh.

So...poo poo. Laughter? Anyone?

Yes, I know I need to blog further but I simply cannot tonight. Girlfriend is still awake...yes, still awake! This after accidentally locking herself in her room, my husband taking off the doorknob, A. deciding her bedroom was keeping her awake and insisting she could only sleep in our bed. Awesome. This is turning out to be just the relaxing evening I was hoping for.

Poo-poo.

I will blog tomorrow.

I took a week off...

2010-06-10T12:32:00.001-07:00

I didn't mean to. Work just decided it for me. Promise to take notes and take things more seriously. Even though rumor has it that Ali doesn't pick anyone.

"He's like Mr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde..."

2010-06-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

Yes, folks....I did watch it last night. Didn't take notes so the recap will be late. But it will happen. Yes, it will.

And by the way...rumor on the street is Ali didn't pick ANY one. Awesome. So she's annoying and doesn't give everyone a happy ending. Perfect. Time well spent.

More to come.

N

Who's lamer than Ali the Bachelorette?

2010-06-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

Me. Because I didn't write a round-up this week. I. Just. Couldn't. Do. It.

Here are the reasons I did not write it:

1. Ali's hair extensions. I'm sorry but the only people who should wear them are drag queens, period.

2. I am getting old. Because I simply do not find any of the men on this show remotely appealing. Okay, maybe just Roberto. But the rest look like high schoolers. And not like the cute high school men on Glee.

3. Men having hissy fits is not nearly as much fun as women having hissy fits.

4. The poof. The hair poof, that is. If you came of age during the late 80's/early 90's, you will know the hair poof I am referring to. It is that little bit of hair in the front that deliberately sticks up. Why? No idea. But it was "the thing" back then. Now when I look back at pictures, it seems ridiculous. Well, on this show, The Poof is back...in Craig's hair. The fact is...you have to work to get The Poof. And if he is working to get The Poof, then I can't watch him.

5. Bad editing. Okay, ABC...we get that you edit this show to death. But seriously...if you are going to make it seem like Jonathan the Weatherman is the one getting the last rose for dramatic reasons....DON'T SHOW HIM IN AN EARLIER SHOT WEARING A ROSE. Did you think no one would catch that??

6. Ali laughs a little too hard at things that just aren't funny. That's what people do who have no actual sense of humor.

7. The elf factor. That's what all the men look like. And I don't like elves. They creep me out.

Promise to try harder next week....sorry to disappoint you guys!

Elves, elves...everywhere!

2010-06-01T08:47:00.000-07:00

That was my impression of the men last night. Seriously, they should start filming the Hobbit there...lots of casting choices.

Can you tell I am finding this season utterly unwatchable? Egads.

More later.

"Hope it's not too early for the shooter story.."

2010-05-25T19:26:00.000-07:00

Um. It's always too early for the shooter story. Particularly when you find out why this guy is called Shooter. Yeah. It's what you're thinking.

But...I digress. I will tell you that I should not be blogging tonight nor should I probably be anywhere near a computer. Nevertheless, here I am.

I've decided I feel badly for Ali. She is in over her head. I don't think she is equipped to deal with all these guys and she is clearly so nervous, she looks like she may topple over. That and ABC gave her blond extensions and a very bad spray-on tan. She is seriously looking like some sort of citrus fruit at this point. And between that and her boobs on display...she basically looks like Vienna now minus the crossed eyes.

And then there are the guys. Oh man. I can only guess that casting choices were slim. What other excuse could there be for this year's litter? Since the first show is really all about meeting the guys anyway...I'll give you my initial impression of each possible suitor. Here we go:

First out of the limo is Chris H. There are a lot of Chris guys this season. How to distinguish this one? He is cute and Canadian. I can't really tell you more than that. PRO: Appears normal. CON: Probably isn't. And Canadians are so nice, it can be a bit grating at time.

Next up, the Peculiar dude. You know...from Peculiar, Missouri! Ha ha! Hilarious! This guy Jesse makes this joke and Ali looks at him like he has three heads. PRO: Guys from Missouri are nice, I married one. CON: Not even my husband from Missouri has heard of Peculiar, Missouri. Must have like three people in it. Plus this guy's hair makes him look like a porcupine.

Next up, Chris L from Cape Cod. He's kind of cute, sounds like a Kennedy and was devoted to his mom, taking care of her while she was terminally ill. Aww...PRO: A family guy. CON: Red Sox fan. And he used the word "wicked" and not while talking about a witch. Oy.

Next, Ty from Nashville. "Nice to meet you darlin!" Oh man, you know this guy is going to get out a guitar and strum some country tunes. Can you say Wes? Hello, ABC writers...how about some new material? PRO: Um. Ty is a nice name. CON: The chewing tobacco you know he has stuffed in his pocket.

The next dude pops out of the top of the limo sunroof. That's cool. Only it means he is really, really tiny. He is too. Frank. PRO: Cool glasses. Very stylish. CON: Might be gay. Which could put a damper on the overnight dates.

Next, we have Justin. Or as he calls himself in the professional wrestling world, RATED R. Seriously. If you have a wrestling name, I somehow doubt you are on this show for the right reasons. PRO: He's probably pretty buff. CON: The hair product. And the 'roid rages will probably get old after awhile.

Next is Jay, the lawyer. He looks about 50 and not in that cool distinguished kind of way. He has an unfortunate cowlick in his hair. PRO: Um...hmmm. Your parents would like him. CON: You wouldn't. Plus he resembles a creepier Jim Carrey, which is saying something.

Next is Chris N. from Orlando. He looks like he might be related to the Osmonds. He is also wearing a very turquiose tie. PRO: Let me know when you think of one. CON: Too many to count.

Then we have Kasey, an ad exec from Colorado. The first thing you notice about him is his voice. At first you think it is a joke. Then you feel bad because you wonder if it is an impediment. And then you realize it isn't and you lower the sound on your television. PRO: He looks cute like Jake. CON: He might be a stalker. Something in his eyes...

Then we have Kyle. He pretends Ali is a fish and tries to reel her in. Ha ha! Yeah. It wasn't funny at all. He is dressed in yellow with a peach tie. PRO: At least his name isn't Chris. CON: His job is "outdoorsman." Does this mean he is homeless?

Next up is Roberto. All right. Finally. Someone cute. Great dimples. He talks to her in Spanish. Ali is swooning. PRO: Hot CON: Ali can't pronounce his name. Seriously. Dude! It's Robert with an O!

Then we have Craig. Otherwise known as "The Hair." It looks like a lot of time was spent puffing up that poof. His suit is just a bit too tight. Not sure how he is walking comfortably. PRO: If you fixed the hair, he'd be cute. CON: He thinks the hair looks good. And he has the swagger of a guy who thinks he is more handsome than he is.

Next is John from Kansas. PRO: Um. I'm sure he is a good person. CON: The hair, the hair. Looks like a small farm animal.

Then we have Tyler. He is from Vermont. I love Vermont. He is a bit nerdy. I love nerds. Yay, Tyler. PRO: Vermont is awesome. He is probably outdoorsy. CON: He might make her go camping.

Next we have John C. Love his purple tie. He pretends he is proposing. PRO: Seems to have a sense of humor. CON: Not terribly tall.

Then we have Jonathon the Weather Boy. I say boy because he is not quite a man. He gives her a sunshine button. Say it with me...awwwwww. PRO: He's certainly cheerful. And you'll never have to click on weather.com again. CON: My daughter is taller than he is.

Next up is Craig R. A big tall lawyer from the Philly. I like him already. PRO: Very confident but not in an annoying way. CON: Isn't quite as pretty as the rest but I don't think that's a bad thing.

Then we have STeve, a sales rep from Cleveland. Odd haircut around the ears so he looks like someone from Lord of the Rings. PRO: Ummmm....might speak elf. CON: That haircut, dude.

Next up is Kirk, a sales consultant from Wisconsin. This guy made her a scrapbook. Oh boy. He's one of those. PRO: Would probably be very devoted. CON: Would be annoying after five minutes or so.

Then we have Tyler from Austin. He claims she was wearing cowboy boots when she stepped out of the limo to meet Jake. Um. No. Sorry. PRO: Kinda cute despite the boots. CON: Thought Ali was someone else. Oops.

Next is Hunter from Texas. Cute in a Curious George kind of way. PRO: Funny. Told Ali he had to go to the bathroom. CON: He looks like a monkey. A cute monkey, but still.

Then we have...Derek from Michigan. Poor dear. This is Shooter. The guy voluntarily tells Ali that his friends call him Shooter because of his tendency to Uh....###$$ prematurely. OMG. Seriously. I hope the producers paid a lot of money for him to say that. Either that or he was very drunk. PRO: I'm not sure there is one. CON: Duh.

And lastly, there is Jason. He climbs over the car and does a backflip. Unfortunately, he looks a little um...not smart. PRO: Acrobatics. CON: He resembles Patrick the Starfish.

Okay. No sense into going into more details because I'm super tired and the first night is kinda fluff anyway. Here is who got roses:

Roberto got the first impression rose.

Next, Jessie from Peculiar.

Ty who I barely remember.

Craig the big tall lawyer.

Tyler B. the dude from Vermont.

Frank with the spiffy glasses

Steve? Who the hell is this?

Chris L...the wicked awesome dude

Kirk the scrapbooker

John C with the purple tie.

Chris N....who?

Chris H...first guy out

Hunter

Craig "the hair"

Jonathon the weatherman

And...Kasy...the Jake look alike.

Whew. Okay. That was a lot. I apologize for any spelling errors...I am posting without reading this again so hope it doesn't suck.

Night-night.

N

Oh Ali, do I really have to blog about you??

2010-05-25T13:30:00.001-07:00

Sigh. Luckily ABC found lots of crackpots in North America to be on the show with you. So it won't be too boring. More to come later...work beckons.

N

In case you are one of the 5 people in America who care about Ali the Bachelorette...

2010-05-22T18:20:00.000-07:00

It is starting this Monday at 9pm.

Yes, I know. She is a terrible casting choice. Not charming, not cute, not nice. No idea why ABC chose her. That said, I'll probably watch and blog anyway. Especially since I have been decidedly not blogging lately. Not that I don't have a lot to say. I just haven't been in a sharing kind of mood.

I will share one thing...if you ever go to Vancouver for any reason, do not stay at the Loden hotel. I promise to blog about that before the weekend is through.

Happy Saturday, everyone.

Ewwwww....

2010-05-12T15:22:00.000-07:00

No, really. Ew.

Meet the new bachelors who will be competing for Ali's love on The Bachelorette.

http://www.buddytv.com/slideshows/the-bachelorette/meet-the-men-of-the-bachelorette-6-with-ali-fedotowsky-15299.aspx

Smells like teen unicorns

2010-04-14T13:20:00.000-07:00

I can't lie. My return to Gainesville was bittersweet. We were there for a walk-a-thon in honor of our sorority sister, Lisa who passed away this fall.

Gainesville was the logical place for the walk since that's where we all met. And so on a beautiful spring morning in April, we met at a pretty park I never knew existed when I went to UF and walked. And talked. Because really, a lot of us hadn't seen each other in about 15 years. So there was a lot to catch up on.

She should have been with us, our friend Lisa. Really quite cliche to say how good and sweet and wonderful she was but it was all true. I do think she would have gotten a real kick out of seeing us all there and been thrilled that she still found some way to get us together. In a perfect world, the walk-a-thon would have had a few more people participating. But no matter. The important thing is that it happened. We raised money for the center where she had her treatment. And her husband and children saw it and knew how much she meant to us. And hopefully, that will mean something to them.

And then we went to Target.

I know. We are lame. But we are city dwellers and needed Gator gear for the next part of the weekend...the Orange and Blue game. In case you are wondering, that is where the Gator team plays each other. So who do you root for? I decided to root for blue because I just think it's a nicer color. Then I started rooting for the possibility of a breeze. How did I not notice how much you basically roasted in the stands? Oh, right. Because I was too busy socializing. This is how I managed to graduate from a major football school without understanding the concept of the two-point conversion.

And then we went to our sorority house.

We had too. Lisa was a big part of that house and the trip would not have been complete without a stop there. We rang the doorbell (since none of us could remember the combination to the side door...a sure sign of early dementia) and finally, a friendly incredibly young-looking girl answered the door. She opened the door and it hit me...the smell of the Dphie house. Okay...seriously...I suppose you could insert some joke in here. Try to contain yourselves. But it was true. It smelled vaguely like shampoo and my Grandma's house and chicken dinners of days past. If that doesn't sound appealing, I'm sorry to report that in the context...it was. It really was. We wandered the halls, checking out the rooms and meeting a lovely young sister named Carly who didn't seem to mind showing us around and giving us the scoop on the Greek scene. Interestingly, she also graduated from high school....20 years after I did. Gulp.

It was official. We were freaking old. I had always sort of suspected as much but now it was confirmed.

We inspected the old composite pictures, complete with frighteningly big hair and alarming eye liner. And looking down the hallways, I half expected some of my sisters to come bounding in, wearing cut-off jean shorts and big fat puffy socks or scrunchies or Champion sweatshirts or in the case of one sister in particular, bows and floral dresses and an ever present smile.

Keep calm and carry cupcakes

2010-03-22T12:39:00.000-07:00

It's true. I've become one of those people who tells everyone everything her kid says.

But A. is just so wise. Does this sound sarcastic? It totally isn't.

Seriously, if I could just live by her rules, my life would be a whole lot better.

We have a poster in our house, a reprint of an English propaganda poster that you've probably seen, oh, everywhere. It says "Keep Calm and Carry On." Because really, my husband and I need to remember that more often. We were helping A. sound out the letters of it. Only she revised it to make it more her speed "keep calm and carry cupcakes." So much better, when you think about it.

A few others of her concepts to live by (my words, her ideas):

Shiny things are far superior to non-shiny things.

Pretend cooking is better than real cooking.

Waiting for a swing for a long time is worth it if that's what you really want to do.

Why sleep by yourself if you don't have to?

Orange cauliflower and purple potatoes taste better than white cauliflower and white potatoes.

Toys aren't fun if you don't have anyone to play with.

When in doubt, twirl.

Why I didn't blog about The Bachelor Wedding.

2010-03-10T13:56:00.000-08:00

I watched it, all right. Much to the dismay of my husband.

But as I did, I remembered something. Oh yeah. Weddings are boring.

Certainly not if it is your own (hopefully) and not if it is the wedding of someone you love and care for a lot. But in general, the rest of them are kinda...blah. Particularly if the bride and groom are blah. Sorry Jason and Molly. But it's true.

So. Never fear. I will be blogging about the Bachelorette come May. And more random stuff, whenever I have the time. Assuming you care.

Happy Wednesday, everyone.

The rest of it....

2010-03-02T12:49:00.000-08:00

Okay...I'm back.

The next part of the Tenley date is somewhat pathetic. She says "I thought our chemistry was unbelievable." This evening is Tenley's very G-rated attempt at seducing Jake. The bluebirds and bunnies shake their heads sadly and cover their eyes. She lights a lot of candles and shows some leg. Jake barely seems to notice.

JAKE: My timing was horrible for that conversation on the boat. I apologize that I made you feel the way you did. I love your eyes, smile, the way you kissed me. I love that you didn't shut me down.

TENLEY: I'm oddly thankful you were completely honest.

Oh come on, Tenley....must you be so cheerful? She then suggestively invites him into the bedroom. Jake pretends like he is excited by this notion, jumping into the bed. Tenley sneaks over to the nightstand and gets something out. It's a red negligee...oh, no. It's a red present. It's like a scrapbook of their fortunes and their first kisses and some other crap that women think is important that men couldn't care less about.

JAKE (TO THE CAMERA): The girl has a heart of gold.

TENLEY (TO THE CAMERA): I will prove our chemistry is real in every single way.

Only...I don't think she did. I don't think she can. Poor dear has the sexuality of Snow White.

The next part of the show is the filler...with Jakie contemplating his choices. Of course, like every bachelor, he is "torn." I call bs on this. No one is torn the day before they are going to propose, I firmly believe that. Still, he meets the jeweler Neil Lane and picks out two different rings. Not surprisingly, Tenley likes the classic round cut and Vienna likes the over-the-top bling-y one. Jakie studies the rings, camera gets so close, we see nose hair. He wells up. He cries for real. He juts out his jaw Tom Cruise-style.

And then it's the big day. Tenley decks herself out in a golden princess dress, checking out her tush in the mirror. The bluebirds and bunnies cross their fingers for her but they know. Everyone knows. Except Tenley, apparently. She says "I feel giddy, blissful, my heart is joyful."And then she sees Jake.

JAKE: We've had an amazing time getting to know each other. We have the same values and positivity. BUT..

BIG SOB FROM THE JAKESTER. SHE THEN STARTS SOBBING.

JAKE: You're perfect but I don't know what it is...something doesn't feel right.

TENLEY: I want a man who loves me for me. Thanks for showing me what I could have.

JAKE STARTS TO SHOW HER THE DOOR. TENLEY CONTINUES TO TALK, CRYING PRETTILY. SERIOUSLY, SHE LOOKS GREAT. I WOULD HAVE A RED NOSE AND BLOTCHES ALL OVER MY FACE BUT SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE COULD BE IN A MAKEUP COMMERCIAL.

TENLEY: I can let someone love me now. Thanks for making me feel special.

JAKE STOPS AND HUGS HER.

TENLEY: I'm not ready to say goodbye. Why are you saying goodbye?

JAKE: Some part of this isn't coming naturally. Will you please stop thanking me now?

BUT SHE IS STILL TALKING. CHRIS ESCORTS HER OFF. TENLEY CRIES IN THE LIMO. A BLUEBIRD HANDS HER A TISSUE.

TENLEY: I haven't found happiness yet because it hasn't been right. Jake will see the mistake he's made.

AND IN THAT BIZARRO HAPPINESS THAT ONLY THE TRULY OPTIMISTIC CAN RADIATE, SHE SMILES.

Okay. Back to reality. Vienna is nervous. She gets out of the helicopter and says "when I found Jake is when I found myself." As she walks up to podium she whispers...

VIENNA: I'm completely in love with you.

JAKE (WHISPERING): I think you're an amazing woman. That's why I'm going to give you back the promise ring from your father. I can't keep it.

WHY IS EVERYONE WHISPERING ANYWAY? I FEEL LIKE I'M WATCHING ALL MY CHILDREN. NOT THAT I EVER WATCHED ALL MY CHILDREN. OKAY, MAYBE I DID WATCH AS THE WORLD TURNS SOMETIMES IN HIGH SCHOOL BUT DEFINITELY NOT SINCE THEN. ANYWAY, VIENNA LOOKS A BIT FREAKED OUT, THINKING THIS MEANS JAKE HASN'T PICKED HER.

JAKE: Wait, I want you to remember this. I love you.

VIENNA: I love you!

CUE ON THE WINGS OF LOVE. OF COURSE THEY DO.

JAKE: Will you marry me?

WELL, DUH OF COURSE SHE WILL. WHO ELSE IS SHE GOING TO MARRY, ONE OF HER CUSTOMERS FROM HOOTERS?

And they live happily ever after....

"See?" My husband says. "It's over. No more."

I point excitedly at the television. There is Chris Harrison's happy smiling face. It's After the Final Rose! Husband rolls his eyes and leaves the room.

This show was so boring. Mainly, poor Tenley STILL can't figure out why Jake didn't want to pick her. Poor thing. She tells Jake he smells good. He keeps telling her they had no "magical" spark. She doesn't understand that by "magical" Jake really means sexual. I don't think she gets it. And she might never get it. Jake tells her "you are the most precious thing in the whole world." Still doesn't mean he wants to get busy with her. Simple as that.

And then Jake tries to explain to everyone why he picked Vienna.

JAKE: She's my baby. I've never had this much heat in a relationship.

TRANSLATION: I'VE NEVER BEEN PROPERLY SHAGGED UNTIL NOW.

JAKE: I wanted to date out of my comfort zone.

TRANSLATION: SURE, SHE'S KINDA SKANKY. BUT IN A GOOD WAY.

JAKE: My soul mate is Vienna.

TRANSLATION: I NEED TO KEEP TALKING THIS WAY SO I KEEP GETTING SHAGGED.

And then they bring out Vienna and talk about how the tabloids have been fabricating things. She says she is moving to Dallas immediately. And then they bring out Jeffrey Osborne. Who is Jeffrey Osborne? Let me refresh your memory...

ON THE WINGS OF LOVE...ONLY THE TWO OF US...TOGETHER FLYING HIGH.....

Oh yes, he serenades them. And they dance. And do you know why?

BECAUSE JAKE IS GOING TO BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS!!!

Hello? Does this boy not have a job? Doesn't he need to fly some planes occasionally to be considered a pilot?

And then they reveal who the next Bachelorette will be...drumroll please...Ali! She declares she would like 50 men to choose from, not 25. Ha ha. Not funny. You think you are, but you're not. I don't dig this chick and her 500 yellow dresses. She's not nearly as charming and cute as she thinks she is. And ultimately, she is a Mean Girl. Of course, this doesn't mean I won't watch the show. It just means I am going to be more brutal than usual.

Next week...we get to watch Jason the Bachelor marry Molly in a huge overpriced extravaganza! Is it wrong to mock someone's nuptials? Perhaps. Do I care? Not so much.

Have a good week...I'll be blogging about the wedding next Tuesday!

Hope you enjoyed the season,
Nan

The Bachelor Finale..."Him and Me are in love."

2010-03-02T08:45:00.000-08:00

So no big surprises last night. Vienna and Jake are in love. Jakie Jake picked the bad girl over the big girl. Thanks to Reality Steve and all the tabloids, we all knew this weeks ago. Yet it didn't stop us from watching three whole hours of it.

I will admit it. I started watching at 8:15. Husband got home later than expected so it could not be helped. I will admit to starting bathtime earlier. As usual, this did not result in an earlier bedtime but in several more renditions of "Part of Your World" (if you what I'm talking about, you clearly have 3-year-old girl...if not, it is Ariel-related and you can scoff at my considerable un-hipness). Anyway, by the time I entered the World O' Bachelor, Tenley was busy winning over Jakie's family. Here was her conversation with Jake's dear old dad:

TENLEY: I was hurt by my past in-laws. I want someone who will take me in and love me.

JAKE'S DAD'S CHIN BEGINS TO TREMBLE. HE CANNOT SPEAK. TENLEY PULLS HIM IN FOR AN EMBRACE AS HE COATS HER PRINCESS HAIR WITH TEARS.

DAD: I do believe I just met my future daughter-in-law.

JAKE'S MOM: There are no red flags with her.

Of course not. She is you, 30 years younger. Minus the princess voice.

Jake says "my family is smitten with Tenley." Jake and Tenley all talk about how perfect they are for each other. The bluebirds and rabbits high-five each other and start baking a ten-layer wedding cake with big pink roses on it. Jake shows off his impulsive side by jumping into the pool and taking Tenley with him, squealing all the way. Then his brothers (those crazy kids) do the same thing and they all embrace in a family hug. Puke.

MOM: Jake would be blessed to have Tenley. I don't know why he is conflicted. They seem like the perfect couple.

And then it's Vienna's turn to meet the family. She shows up with a big fruit basket. Yeah. It's going to take more than that, girlfriend. Jake says "I shouldn't have told my parents this is the girl no one likes." Y'think? Here is how the first meeting with the 'rents went, complete with significant looks and rolling eyes.

MOM: So where are you from?

VIENNA: Geneva, Florida. It's mostly woods and dirt. We have a flashing light now, still no stoplight.

MOM: Why did you have trouble getting along with the other girls in the group?

VIENNA: Because I'm brutally honest.

SISTER-IN-LAW LAURA: You seem very different from Tenley.

VIENNA: Because I'm not a robot.

This is apparently a very shocking thing to say in this group. I get the feeling Jake's family aren't into mocking people. I get the feeling I wouldn't do very well in this situation either. My guess is that these guys play a lot of Uno. Maybe Balderdash on a really crazy night.

Mom pulls Jake aside and says "It bothers me she couldn't get along with the other women." Jake says "oh, she just says things that poke." Mom says "she'll poke at you eventually." Jake says to camera "this isn't happening between Mom and Vienna."

The sister-in-laws do a sit-down with Vienna.

Sis-in-law Laura: Tenley gets along with everyone.

VIENNA: But she's annoying.

SISTER-IN-LAW: Does this happen to you a lot in life where people don't like you?

VIENNA, TWIRLING HER FAKE GROSS BARBIE EXTENSIONS: Sometimes.

SISTER-IN-LAW: Won't you be shocked if he doesn't choose you in the end?

VIENNA LOOKS SHOCKED, AS THOUGH THIS HAS NEVER OCCURRED TO HER. AND THEN SHE SAYS: He brings out the best in me.

Then Mom takes her to task and pulls Vienna aside for some alone time. Mom is none too pleased with this woman. Seriously, would you want to stare at that creepy fake Barbie hair for the rest of your days? Listen to that bad grammar on your deathbed?

MOM: It's important that you get along with my daughter-in-laws. Women are the glue of the family. You need to be strong to be married to pilot.

VIENNA (IN A VERY SMALL VOICE): Well, I'll have you guys.

MOM: That's right. You will. You've changed my mind.

Well, that was fast. Apparently, Vienna won over the sister-in-laws too. One sister-in-law even begins to cry because she feels bad for judging her. Meanwhile, Jake is staring at Vienna like she is already his wife.

MOM (TO VIENNA): We're a little bit protective, can you tell?

Tell you what. They acted all nicey nice now. But Vienna and this mother are going to be a constant source of friction. Mark my words. Those righteous blue eyes will burn holes in Vienna's unholy, spray-tanned skin.

Okay. So now Jake has one more date with Vienna and one more with Tenley before he has to make his decision. First up, Vienna. He is taking her to some steamy sulpher springs. Girlfriend doesn't don't want to play in the mud...at first. Then she realizes that it will look like a Playboy video as they cover themselves with mud. Jake says "I enjoyed covering you with mud." He then admits "I need to make sure I'm not so attracted to Vienna that it gets in the way of what I need in a wife."

Nighttime. Vienna takes off the promise ring from her father to signal to Jake she is ready to spend the rest of her life with him.

VIENNA: I know we have chemistry. But I also want to know I'm your best friend and rock.

She then reads him a cheesy letter and says something about "him and I are in love." Sigh. Really? That's the best you got, kid?

Next day, big date with Tenley. They are going on a boat.

TENLEY: Oh my gosh!! I'm so excited!! Isn't it exciting??

A stream of exclamations trail after Tenley wherever she goes. Meanwhile, Jake is clearly not into her and looks down.

TENLEY: Am I too much to handle?

Uh, no, Tenley, you're not. And that's the problem.

JAKE: You've captivated me emotionally.

Uh oh. I sense a big old but coming on here.

JAKE: But sometimes the physical chemistry isn't as hot as the emotional chemistry.

TENLEY: I feel it. I think we have heat.

JAKE: It's building slowly.

TENLEY STARTS TO CRY. YOU CAN SEE JAKE CONSIDERING JUMPING OFF THE BOAT.

TENLEY: I want someone who wants all of me.

JAKE: I'm not saying I'm not that guy.

But he is.

Okay. That's about halfway...more to come later.

"Him and me are in love..."

2010-03-02T07:20:00.000-08:00

I think Vienna has a bright future ahead of her as an English teacher. But she will also be Mrs. Pavelka.

I've got three hours to blog about so it may be a while....

Have a good one,

N

The Women Tell All or.... how to waste two perfectly good hours of your life

2010-02-23T19:42:00.000-08:00

I simply cannot go into all the absurdity of last night. I would rather spend that time talking about the outfits the Russian ice dancers wore last night (rope wrapped around their bodies to aid their with their lifts...pretty sneaky, sis...)

But since I watched the show, let's talk about a few things. Here's what I learned:

1. All the former participants of the show get together, go on cruises, eat too many shrimp and then hook up.

2. All the former participants of the show also try to "give back." Admirable thought but they do so by painting lifeguard stands. Because what this world really needs is more colorful lifeguard stands. In case you are wondering Matt the Bachelor is still hot, Deeanna the Bachelorette is still grating, Wes is still a tool and Shayne Lamas seems like she needs to go to rehab.

3. ABC loves to show the former participants handing out food to needy people but only if said needy people will appear on camera and tell their sob story. You can practically see the ABC producer holding a bag of cookies juuust out of reach as they say "thanks from my family."

4. When we see the ladies in person, Corrie looks prettier than I thought she would and so does blonde Asleigh. Jessie just seems like a painted doll and Gia seems like Malibu Barbie by way of Queens.

5. The other girls think Tenley "just dropped out of a Disney movie" and "she dreams in cartoons" and in perhaps the best line of the night "sh*ts rainbows." In other words, maybe she's a fun person to have a picture opportunity with at Disney World for an hour but perhaps could be a bit annoying for say, a lifetime.

6. Elizabeth realized acting like she wouldn't kiss Jake without a wedding proposal was in hindsight...a bit preposterous.

7. Chris hates Rozlyn, the girl kicked off for sleeping with a producer. I will say this, Rozlyn has seen a lawyer. Girlfriend did not think of all of these angles herself. She makes the case for why she did not sleep with the producer, even going as far as to swear on her child's life, which in my opinion is always a bad idea. Meanwhile, various women mention she never slept in her bed in the house. Hmmm. This whole thing eventually turned into a pissing match and honestly, I'm sure she probably hooked up with the guy but come on. Who. Cares. It ended with Roz making some comment about Chris Harrison trying to hit on the producer's ex-wife. Chris looks rattled so I'm sure that probably happened too. Again. Who. Cares.

8. And then Jakey comes out looking somber. Dude, this guy is not looking like a happy-go-lucky guy in love. I'm sure he will either not pick anyone next week OR pick Vienna and then realize it was a mistake. Either way, he looks at Ali like she is a midnight snack. I'm sure those two will hook up at some point. Jake also utters the cheesiest line of the night"when you left, my heart was crying." At that point, I considered changing the channel to the Olympics.

9. My favorite part of the night? Jake asking Chris Harrison (in all seriousness) what he uses on his teeth to make them so white....and Chris refuses to disclose this information.

10. Lastly, when Chris Harrison asks Jake is he's happy, he says...dramatic pause..."yes." Now, since we know Jake has a tendency to overact (remember the crying over a hotel balcony last season) this leads me to believe that he isn't happy at all.
Not wishing that on him, I'm just saying.

The finale is next week!!! Get excited, people. I am...

N

"The girl sh*ts rainbows."

2010-02-23T09:05:00.000-08:00

Seriously great quote from Gia regarding our friend Tenley. Mostly I thought the show was a bit boring but there were a few good quotes here and there. I'll try to blog about it by the end of the day.

And the rest of it...

2010-02-16T18:04:00.000-08:00

Okay. Next day, next overnight date. Jakie is really going to have to work hard for this one. Number one, because Tenley is DIVORCED. Oh soooo shocking. But Disney princesses don't do that. Nor do they stay overnight with men who are not their husbands and most importantly, not princes.

Still, he tries. He takes her for a picnic in the rain forest. If you've ever been to one, then you know that's probably not the best place to do it. Too many critters. But fine. Then they walk on a black sand beach. Tenley tells Jake "she has not been with another man since her ex-husband." The bunnies and the bluebirds nod vehemently. Jake sighs, does his best Tom Cruise jaw flex and hopes for the best.

They have dinner by the pool. I feel itchy just looking at them because that is totally when all the bugs come out. Then they take off their shoes and dance. She tells Jake "I'm glad I've gotten this opportunity with you despite my past." What past?? Just because she is divorced she thinks she is this tainted woman. Maybe that's why she isn't working at Disney World anymore...they've banished her. Then she says "I'll let you lead....you can lead me through life...that's what I want." Thanks, Tenley. The woman's movement really thanks you for that, too.

And then Jake takes that moment to hand her the fantasy suite card. He says "I'm really excited about it." Uh yes...I'll bet you are. Tenley says in her best Sleeping Beauty voice "I want to spend every second I can with you." Jake says "I can't wait....(dramatic pause)....to watch our first sunrise together."

Uh huh. Yes. I'm sure that's what you can't wait for, Jake. And here's what happens when they enter the fantasy suite:

TENLEY: Oh my goodness! Look at the rose petals!

JAKE: I love your morals and values.

TENLEY: Thanks for appreciating them, they mean a lot to me.

And then you remember you are not watching the BBC's latest Jane Austen adaptation but The Bachelor. You know the producers are rolling their eyes, trying to ply them with more alcohol.

JAKE: Tenley would make an amazing wife.

And again, this is why he will not choose her.

Next day, next date. Vienna! I say that with an exclamation point because everything about her seems to be that way. She doesn't have blond hair. She has BLOND HAIR! She doesn't have boobs, she has BOOBS! You get the picture. Jake says "I feel like a kid when I'm with her." Vienna's reaction? She licks him. Jake dresses like a pilot. Oops, I mean pirate. We notice Vienna has a tattoo the size of a human head on her stomach. It's not a tramp stamp. It's just...ugly.

But I am not here to rag on Vienna. Why? I sorta feel bad for her. Yes, she is tacky. But the girl has been torn to shreds in the tabloids. They're talking about her mother being a stripper. That's not her fault. Sometimes you're born a Rockefeller. Sometimes you're born the daughter of a stripper. Doesn't mean you should be judged for what your parents have done.

Okay. Off my high horse. Jake says "rolling around in the sand with Vienna was smoking hot. Now I need to make sure there is some substance to the relationship."

Good thinking, Jakie. See how she feels about the economy. Or global warming. Go ahead, I dare you. So he says:

JAKE: What kind of engagement rings do you like?

ZOINKS!

Really??

Girlfriend's eyes nearly popped out of her head. She says she wants a thin band with some bling around it and a princess cut.

VIENNA: Could you see me as your wife?

JAKE: Yes. But I've fallen for two other women also.

VIENNA: Oh.

She sighs. And then tries to remember what she learned in high school drama class. Cue the tears.

VIENNA: I cannot picture my life without you. I've fallen in love with you.

JAKE: You have? I love your brutal honesty.

And with that, he hands her "the card." You know what I'm talking about.

VIENNA: We need some alone time.

Oh. Is that what they are calling it these days?

Jake says "I love everything about her." They enter the fantasy suite.

JAKE: This is neat.

C'mon, Jakie....really?

VIENNA: I'll be right back.

And she shows up in a very bridal-y negligee. And she shuts the door. We hear shrieks of pain from Jakey.

Next morning. Jake is in his own room recovering from Vienna. And...the phone rings. Yup. It's Ali. She has changed her mind. They commence to have a boring conversation about what a mistake she made. They go back and forth and he tells her not to come. Ali says "I'll forever regret my decision." Yes. Until ABC offers to make you The Bachelorette.

Jake then ponders who to send home. He mentions again he used to be called Mr. Dateless. Which I don't believe because there is nothing really funny or interesting about that name...and since there is nothing particularly funny or interesting about him, he made it up himself. Long story short, he dumps Gia, who leaves in a pool of sweat, tears and body glitter. Not worried about her though since Page Six is still talking about her. She'll be fine.

Next week, it's the Women Tell All. They are dragging back Rosalind to talk about her slutting around. Says a lot about her that she agreed to come on. Good times!

That's it guys! Now onto men's ice skating!! Yay.
N

"You drove away with a piece of my heart"...Bachelor Round-Up

2010-02-16T14:09:00.000-08:00

Okay. I did not blog about last week's show. I simply...could...not...do....it. Why? Well, first of all, I did not take my computer on my business trip. And while some have suggested I blog via the blackberry, I am simply not that dedicated. Also, last week's show was not that interesting.

Not that this week's was that much better. It should have been. It is the much anticipated Boom-chicka-wow-wow week. Meaning Jakie Jake is expected to ahem, perform three nights in a room with three different women. With Chris Harrison providing the Viagra. Somehow, this was still not interesting. Maybe because I do not believe that Jake actually did the deed. Well, except maybe with Vienna who no doubt forced herself on him while he shut his eyes and whimpered.

But as usual, I am getting ahead of myself...

The first overnight date was with Gia. She shows up wearing the shortest shorts on the planet and I am hoping they are not going to hike or anything like that. Also, there are sand fleas on those beaches so girlfriend is going to get attacked. But whatever. She also appears to be holding a bottle of rum. Perhaps this is what she needs to get through these overnight dates? Jake looks like a fool in an island style bead necklace. There are some men, some surfer types, who can sincerely pull this off. Think Matthew McConaughey. Jake, you are no Matthew. Though you do take your shirt off almost as much.

Jake and Gia eat fresh coconut and hang out with locals. Gia dirty dances as a guy plays the bongos and looks like all she is missing is a pole. Jake says "I want to come back here for my honeymoon." In the meantime, ABC manages to show us Gia's butt like fifty times which is sincerely making me feel about sitting on my own butt while eating Chocolate Cheerios.

At dinner, Gia shows up wearing a tiara and for some reason, body glitter. Jake says "our bodies fit together" and hands her the Chris Harrison card, as he calls it. This is Jake's way of pretending he is not asking a woman to come up to his room and do the wild thing. In case you have any doubt what will happen, Gia says "I'm ready to go all the way." Hmmm...is that what the teleprompter said?

They go back to the hotel suite complete with rose petals and a trail of clothes leading up to the bathtub. Jake says "this could be the woman I propose to." Or...not. Next!

Okay. Gotta run to beat this crappy weather. More to come tonight.

So no, I still haven't blogged about the Bachelor....

2010-02-12T09:28:00.000-08:00

but a blizzard, flight delays and an earthquake have kept from even watching the whole episode. I will try. But can't promise it's going to happen.

In the meantime, I will tell you that my daughter claims to have a daughter named Milly and a son named Michael that she is keeping in her room. Oh, and apparently we also have a ghost. As long as the ghost isn't expecting me to walk/bathe/feed it, that's fine with me.

Watch for a possible bachelor blog this weekend...depending on my level of energy.

Happy Friday,
Nan

Don't forget!

2010-02-08T07:47:00.000-08:00

Bachelor on tonight. The hometown dates with a big SHOCK. Ha. We'll see.

And since I'll be traveling for work on Tuesday and Wednesday, the round-up will definitely be late. Sorry...

Enjoy the show.

N

"You can eat my salmon..." Bachelor Round UP

2010-02-02T11:06:00.000-08:00

So it's official. My girl hates The Bachelor. It is the only reason I can explain her behavior on Monday nights.

A: I hear horn honks, I can't sleep.

ME: You live in Brooklyn. Sorry. You have to learn to live with it.

A: It's hot.

ME: Take off your blanket.

A: I want to watch your show.

ME: It's for grown-ups.

A: No. There are princesses on your show.

ME: Those are NOT princesses. I repeat. NOT PRINCESSES.

A: But they all have yellow hair.

Yes, they do. Disturbingly yellow. Anyway...this is why I did not get to watch the beginning of the show last night. I saw bits and pieces between trying to convince Girlfriend to go to sleep. I know Jake went on a date with Tenley, who is the closest one to a princess, I suppose. I know they were up in some high tower in San Francisco. I know she used that little baby voice that reminds me of Trista and Cinderella. And I know that Jake says "Tenley is the one I picture most as my wife."

Aha! And there you go, folks. The reason that Tenley won't be the last one standing. ABC doesn't want to make it this easy for you. Still, I will say this is the only girl there I can see him having any real shot with. So of course, she will be left in the dust.

Jake asks Tenley what mistakes she made in her marriage. She says she took things for granted. She asks what he wants in a marriage. He says something about having her back. Tenley is also concerned about pilots not being faithful. Jake tells her "the woman I marry will be the last woman I look at."

Jake says," our kisses are magical, we line up on so many things." Hurry, someone cue "On the Wings of Love!" The Muzak version. Thanks, ABC!

Next day, a double date with Gia and Vienna. They are going to a "castle" in Napa Valley. I say it with quotation marks because it looks rather Epcot-y in my opinion. Vienna says something like "I'm my dad's prince and now I'm Jake's queen." Gia is worried that she will be the third wheel in this scenario. And she is. Jake and Vienna taste wine. Gia looks on. Vienna says "I'm going to pretend she's here."

Which seems like a fine plan until Jake steals Gia away for some snogging. Gia admits "I'm probably the most insecure girl here." Really? You're a swimsuit model, for crying out loud! If you can't be confident, who the hell can? Jake tells her he's really into her and she is kind, generous and drop dead gorgeous. This seems to brighten her spirits as they start making out.

Meanwhile, Vienna decides to go looking for them, carrying around a lantern from that appears to be from the 1800's but was probably purchased at Anthropologie. ABC films it like it's Blair Witch Project. Vienna is like, oh, I'm scared. Dude. How scared can you be with the director, assistant director, DP, key grip, best boy and craft services table three feet away?

Vienna isn't happy that she didn't get much alone time with her "boyfriend" so she decides to sneak into his room at bedtime, two glasses of wine in hand. Jake says "I had dirty thoughts but it was gonna be G-rated all the way." Jake promptly kicks her out of bed. Go Jakey.

Next day, it's a date with Corrie. They are going to take a walk in the park. They go on a rowboat. The geese are more exciting than these two. She sits there awkwardly and waits for Jake to kiss her. The geese wait. Nothing happens.

Then that night they go to a natural history museum and look at frogs and stuff. Still, not much. At dinner they discuss the fact that Corrie won't live with someone before marriage. In fact, we find out there are a lot of things Corrie won't do before marriage. The fact that Corrie is the big V actually turns on Jakey Jake a little. So he plants one on her. Unfortunately, it seems the frogs have more sexual chemistry.

Next up, it's a date with Ali. "I can't wait to show him my town, my world, where I hang out, my restaurants!" On this date, Ali says "me" or "my" about 20 times. And while Jake seems to like her straddling and kissing him in the park, he doesn't seem nearly as into her as he used to be. Time's up, Yellow Dress girl!

Cocktail party time! Tenley and Jakey dance and he looks like he's going to cry with happiness. The bluebirds oooh and ahhh.

Meanwhile Ali and Corrie discuss Ali's date.

Corrie: Did it go really good?

Ugh. Did you really just say that? And by the way...no one on this show uses adverbs. Jake doesn't feel strongly about any of the women...he feels strong. Jake said this not once, but twice. SeriousLY, I love adverbs and I love LY and if he offered me a rose, I'd have to turn him down. But niceLY.

Anyway, Corrie is the one who gets the boot and she says "I don't date four men very good." Come on Corrie, speak English! Or go back to Florida, no one will notice down there. (I'm from there so I can mock it.)

Anyway, next week...Jake goes to the ladies' hometowns. And apparently Jake gets some big shock and there is no rose ceremony. I'm betting Ali is going down.

And happiLY, that's it.

Happy Tuesday,
Nan

It's the first day of February...

2010-02-01T07:16:00.001-08:00

what better way to spend it than with the Bachelor? Two whole hours of...well...not much.

Enjoy the show!

ABC To Air emThe Bachelor/em Wedding

2010-01-28T08:51:00.000-08:00

ABC To Air emThe Bachelor/em Wedding

"I'm fixin' to get on this RV and I'm so dang excited."

2010-01-26T13:45:00.000-08:00

Yeehaw! Thanks for that Ella! I haven't mocked her accent once yet so it was time.

So this week all the Bachelor ladies were forced to leave the comfort of their mansion and hop into an RV and (gulp) go camping. Now, these RV's look pretty plush so I'm sure they can still plug in their spray-tanning machines but still. No one signs up for this thing to go camping. Ella is excited because apparently she has spent her life in an RV park. I spent two nights in one once (accidentally...we thought it was campground) and the power got blown out because so many people were watching a NASCAR event. No joke.

Anyway, Ali and Vienna are in separate RV's which is a good thing otherwise it would be hard to talk about each other. Ali drops about ten f-bombs and talks about how horribly fake Vienna is as she play with her overly-processed blonder than blonde hair. Anyone noticed how many blondes there are on this show with brown eyes? Ever notice you don't see many of those in real life? Because very few exist. Unless you're in Argentina where it is apparently the norm.

Anyhow, they are going to camp in a vineyard. Sounds like an odd place to camp but fine. Jake has busted out the flannel, in case you doubted he was the outdoorsy type.
His first one-on-one date will be with Gia, the New York swimsuit model/hairdresser. Jake says this will be a test of sorts because Gia is "a big city girl FROM MANHATTAN." Oh no....Sodom itself....home of the sinners...Manhattan!! Jake is surprised to discover that Gia isn't scary at all and actually quite child-like, playing hide and go seek in the vineyards. I'm sure there are snakes in vineyards so I totally wouldn't do that. Hell, I don't even like the wildlife in Brooklyn, I certainly wouldn't seek it out where it might live.

Gia tries to convince Jake what a geek she was and how she got her books and shoes stolen from her in school. And then one day, poof! She became into a swimsuit model. Jake looks dubious of this story. He tells her he didn't kiss a girl until he was 16. This I believe. Gia says her first kiss came from spin-the-bottle. And hey! Lookie here! They have a bottle! They play! They kiss! Everyone is happy.

Later in the evening, Jake continues to test Gia's outdoorsy-ness by making her eat hot dogs and marshmallows over an open flame. She doesn't mind, telling him she wants to have two kids and then adopt a baby girl from China. And a pot-bellied pig. Who she will tote around in her very large Birken bag.

Next up is a group date with Ashleigh, Corrie, Tenley, Vienna, Ali and Jessie. They are going dune bugging on the beach. Ali calls dibs on Jake. I didn't know you could do that. What a great idea! You just see a guy on the street and call "dibs!" and he's yours. Ali is getting a little too Mean Girls for her own good. She and her yellow dresses need to go away. When someone asks her what she would do if Vienna got the final rose she says "I'd throw up in my mouth." Little Miss Katherine Heigl wannabe is starting to seem as revolting as well, Katherine Heigl.

And then they go sand surfing. Somehow, I never knew this sport existed. Basically, you get on a surfboard and everyone wipes out and gets mouthfuls of sand. How is this fun? Jake gets to roll around with Tenley. He says "I"m naturally drawn to Tenley." Still, he finds time to roll down the hill with Corrie. Yes, I forgot she was still around too.

Next stop...Falling Inn Love! Don't you just love all the little puns the writers from the show give us? There's a group date at a super fabulous inn where "real live celebrities go" according to Tenley. By the looks of things, not so much. Every room has a theme. The most common theme appears to be tacky. It's gross. Lots of ugly stone fireplaces, aqua furniture, ick. Calling it "eclectic" would be extremely generous. All the ladies get to dress up and have private time in each of the rooms, which are surprisingly celebrity-free at the moment.

And it's short skirt night? Seriously, could the dresses have been shorter? The most pathetic of all is Asleigh. She tells the camera "certain girls are more affectionate than others." And then we see her draping herself across Jakey, giving him the love eyes:

ASHLEIGH: Purrr.

SHE STROKES HIS HIP. SHE STARES AT HIM AND TRIES TO GLAMOUR HIM LIKE A VAMPIRE MIGHT.
THEIR EYES MEET. JAKE GIVES HER A WAN SMILE. HER HAND MOVES HIGHER. SHE UNZIPS HIS JACKET.

JAKE: uh...you look...pretty.

SHE LEANS IN. JAKE GIVES HER A PASSIONATE KISS ON THE CHIN.

JAKE: I know she's pretty but I don't feel any chemistry there.

Boy, is Asleigh going to feel stupid after watching this one.

Jake comes out and asks Vienna for alone time. She tosses her extensions and says "I want to be last." Ali and the Mean Girls snicker on cue. Ali goes for alone time with Jake and tries to talk about all the other girls. Jake looks at her with that dazed expression men wear when they aren't listening to you at all. He's like, shut up and kiss me. Well, he didn't say that. But he may as well have.

Next up, alone time with Tenley. Jake wants to make sure she is over her ex-husband. She says she is. They make out as he is curled up in her lap. She demands in her Sleeping Beauty voice "sit up, I want a good one." The bluebirds look on, bat their eyelashes and sigh wistfully.

Vienna gets her alone time with Jakey. He tells her about the other girls "I think you egg it on and bring it on yourself. Sometimes it's better not to say anything at all." Vienna looks confused by this and I ponder how much bigger she really is than Jake and can she possibly crush him? Hmmm.

Jake then goes out and gives the group date rose to Tenley. All the bluebirds high-five. Meanwhile, Ashleigh grumbles about Tenley being too bubbly. Apparently, that's working better than drunk and desperate.

Next up, a two-on-one date with Jake, Ella and Kathryn. I'll spare the minutia of it but basically, Jake ignores Kathryn. Ella interviews him as potential father for Ethan. He dumps then both. Then dramatically, throws the rose in the fire. So. Damn. Cheesey.

And just when you thought is couldn't get any cheesier, it's rose ceremony time. Who's safe? Gia and Tenley. Up for grabs, four more roses.

Rose #1 Ali

Rose #2 Corrie

Which leaves two more roses and three girls. Only....Jakey starts to cry. For reals.

He runs out to find Chris Harrison, asking him for relationship advice. Because really, who better to go to with this sort of thing than a television host with hair plugs?

JAKE: Do I have to give out both roses?

TRANSLATION: I can barely stand to be in the same room with most of these people.

CHIRS: Do you know for a fact that two of them won't be your wife?

JAKE NODS SO VEHEMENTLY, HE NEARLY PULLS OUT HIS NECK.

CHRIS: So you want us to take away a rose?

JAKE: Duh.

So they do. Vienna gets the last rose. Which means Asleigh and Jessie are out. Jake tells Jessie "you have a beautiful heart." Meanwhile, Ashleigh looks at Jake like she was wronged and then gets outside and shouts at the camera "are you f*cking kidding me?" Hmmm...wonder why he didn't choose you? Hmmmmm...

Meanwhile...Little Miss Mean Girl Ali is practically spitting venom that Vienna is still around. Tenley the Disney Princess gets out her fan to try to calm her down, assuring her they will go hunt for berries in the morning. But Ali is inconsolable, tearing at her (yet again) yellow dress. Next week, they are headed to San Francisco, which is Ali's hometown. I predict she will stay there.

Enjoy the rest of the week,
N

"I think you egg it on and bring it on yourself..."

2010-01-26T07:33:00.000-08:00

Words of wisdom from Jakey to Vienna. Jake was taking no prisoners last night. Good show. More to come later...

N

But wait! There's more!!

2010-01-19T18:26:00.000-08:00

You see? I do work in advertising. When I'm not blogging about The Bachelor, that is.

In case you are wondering, blogging can be very profitable. If you let google place an ad on your site, you get money. Why, just this week...I will be getting a big fat check for six dollars. So I can buy a sandwich. Oh wait. Not in this town. I can buy a cup of soup. And a beverage. So exciting.

Anyway....getting back to where left I off...the drama between Jake and Michelle.

JAKE: I think it would be better if you left now.

MICHELLE: I can't believe you're doing this.

THE PRODUCER IS ALREADY DOWNSTAIRS HAILING A CAB. APPARENTLY, THEY ARE GREEN IN LA.

JAKE WALKS HER OUT. MICHELLE BEGINS TALKING BACK TO THE LITTLE VOICE IN HER HEAD.

MICHELLE: He kicked me to the curb. He gave me a peck instead of kiss. What is that about?

JAKE QUICKLY PUSHES HER INTO THE CAB AND SHUTS THE DOOR.

MICHELLE: Jake is not for me.

JAKE BEGINS TO RUN AWAY. SPRINTING, REALLY.

JAKE (TO CAMERA): That was the right decision.

THE PRODUCERS: Yeah, she scared us too.

Jake returns to the ladies and says "no rose tonight. I need some time. See you real soon." He walks off with his hands in his pockets. And that, my friends, is why I am going on record that I believe Jake will choose no one this season. I have no inside info. Just a hunch.

Okay. Next day, next date. This time with Ella, the single mom who sounds like Peggy Hill. Jake picks her up in a helicopter. They're going to Sea World. And Jake has a surprise. He's invited her son along for the ride. Ella says "Ma little man, oh ma G-d." But....she doesn't look totally completely thrilled to see him. Because now she will totally not be getting any lip action.

But. Then she sees Jakey hanging out with her son. Putting on his jacket for the penguin experience. Giving Ethan a toy plane. In her mind, she pictures buying him a "world's number 1 Dad" mug for Father's Day next year.

Ella says "he's the angel I never expected. I love having a family life, watching soccer games." Hmmm. I'm sure Jake will too. Someday. With his own kid. Not someone else's. Still, he gives her a rose, saying "you're a great mother." Why does that not sound like a marriage proposal to me?

All right. Cocktail party time. Everyone hates Vienna. Especially Ali, who has turned out to be kind of Mean Girl a la the Plastics. Or Heathers. You practically expect her to pop out with "dude, what's your damage?" Meanwhile, Elizabeth-No-Kiss has some alone time with Jake. He tells her she sends mixed signals and she is playing games. Elizabeth opens her wide blue eyes and says "no!" Jake says "some couples elect not to kiss for spiritual reasons." Really? Is kissing not spiritual? I guess I'm not spiritual because I am pro-kissing. And then Jake says "but that's not you. You're a tease, I think."

And then Vienna interrupts. Elizabeth breaks into tears and says "I can get a date any day of the week. I'm very selective." Finally, she gets to have a few more minutes with Jake who tells her "you dangled a kiss like a carrot." Yeah. This girl's getting a rose.

Okay. Rose ceremony time:

Rose #1 Gia

Rose #2 Corrie...I think she'd actually be a good match for him

Rose #3 Tenley

Rose #4 Ali

Rose #5 Jessie

Rose #6 Kathryn

Rose #7 Asleigh

Who's going home? Brunettes! No-kiss Elizabeth is out. Guess withholding your lips is not the way to a man's heart. And Valishia is out too. What? You've never heard of her? Then you certainly will be as surprised as I was when Jake says to her "hug your kids for me." Huh? How many does she have? Who the heck is watching them? Who has childcare for like six weeks solid?

Anyway, next week Gia and Jake get close and the ladies all have to take a bus somewhere, much to the dismay of Vienna. Sounds fascinating.

Until then..

Nan

"I'm on Cloud Jake..."

2010-01-19T12:31:00.000-08:00

So I can't even pretend that I watched the whole show this week. I couldn't. Our girl wasn't feeling so hot. She had a little episode this weekend that forced her to be on a nebulizer. No, that is not something from Star Trek but this weird contraption that gives them oxygen plus medicine and helps them breathe. It is worse than it sounds.

Anyway, I will fully admit that I let my daughter watch the first few minutes of The Bachelor as we nebulized on the couch. My husband was shouting from the kitchen "is this really a good idea?" Meanwhile, she cracked up laughing as Jake kissed someone. I couldn't tell you who except that she had dyed blonde hair. But that would be the whole cast, really.

A said "this is for grown-ups."

I said, "Well. Sort of."

And then the nebulizing was done and that was the end of A's exposure to The Bachelor. If she decides to dye her hair the color of a highlighter pen or start spray-tanning, I only have myself to blame.

I basically missed the first half hour of the show as we got her to bed. Yes, I could watch it on ABC.com but honestly, I don't have the time and the gist of it is this: Jake went on a one-on-one date with Vienna. She was very excited about it. They bungee-jumped together despite Jake's fear of heights. A pilot afraid of heights? Ok. Doesn't make sense to me, but fine. When I walked back in the room, Jake was talking about how nurturing Vienna was. Next shot...the requisite hot tub scene. More kissing. Vienna is wearing a ruffly bikini and I can't help but wondering how the blond extensions are going to do in the water. Seems okay. Lots of kisses. Lots of shots of Vienna's crossed eyes rolling back in her head as she tells us how she is falling in deep love with Jakey. He gives her a rose. Her extensions give him a high five. She says "the best day of my life will be when I marry him."

Back at the house, we discover there will be a group date happening. They are going to Jon Lovitz's comedy club. Of course, most of these girls are too young to even remember who he is, but whatever. The women will all get the opportunity to write and perform their own comedy on stage. First up, Ali. Her big joke? "Why was Tigger licking the toilet? He was looking for Pooh. "Ha ha! Laugh riot. Next up, Tenley. Girlfriend knows she is not funny so instead she contorts her body so that her legs are behind her head, much to the delight of every male in the audience. Miss-I-Don't-Kiss Elizabeth goes up on stage and starts talking about some guy in Utah with a big schlong. Kathryn seizes the opportunity to drag Jake up on stage and kiss him.

Michelle AKA Bunny Boiler...who looks to be planning a Columbine style attack on the club....begins to critique the kiss. She says "when I have my kiss with Jake, it's going to be tongue in your mouth, pulling hair, ripping clothes off." Not that I think there's anything wrong with living in a fantasy world but..sometimes, real life has to enter into it.

And then Michelle gets on stage. You know the term "uncomfortable silence?" Seems to have been created for her.

MICHELLE: So I notice there are no coconuts on these palm trees. I wonder where they are?

She then pokes herself in the chest with a microphone.

AUDIENCE: UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE

MICHELLSE: I'm waiting for a hole to get some one-on-one.

AUDIENCE: UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE.

ALI: Something's a little bit off about Michelle.

Y'think? Even Jon Lovitz looked uncomfortable.

And then it's Ashleigh's turn. She's been freaking out that she has to do this, sucking down the drinks. She tells a few blonde jokes and then scampers off. And then it is Corrie's turn. She does some fantastic impersonations of the ladies in the house. But the best one she does is of Vienna.

CORRIE: I long my long blonde fake hair. I love walking around topless. I love to talk crap about every other girl in the house.

All the girls are laughing hysterically. Who isn't? Jake. He looked concerned. Could he have misjudged her? Uh. Yeah.

It's evening time. Time for cocktails! Tenley the Disney Princess pulls Jake aside and tells him about her past. She tells him her husband had an affair and left her for another woman. The bluebirds put a Kleenex in front of her face and say, "blow."
Jake gives her a hug and they kiss. Someday my prince will come....someday....we'll meet again....

Then all the other girls decide to spend their alone time with Jake talking about Vienna. Really, ladies...accentuate the positive. Guys hate hearing this kind of crap. In the meantime, Michelle is plotting her next move. Elizabeth says "Michelle needs a therapist, not a husband." True. Nevertheless, Michelle get her alone time with Jake.

MICHELLE: I really really really really want a husband.

JAKE: I believe you.

MICHELLE: I think we should kiss.

JAKE LEANS AWAY, LOOKING AROUND FOR A PRODUCER.

MICHELLE: Let's kiss.

JAKE SHUTS HIS EYES AND TRIES TO THINK OF THE OCEAN.

Michelle plants one on him. Jake keeps his mouth tightly shut and looks like he is in pain.

MICHELLE: You've gotta give me something more than that.

JAKE: I just want this night to be over.

THE PRODUCER RADIOS IN SECURITY.

MICHELLE: You know, I can't stay. I want to but not being able to really kiss you hurts. If you want me to stay, I'll stay.

JAKE: I think it would be better if you left now.

Dun dun dun! Sorry to break off at such a crucial moment. But it's getting late and I've got a somewhat sick one at home. More to come later....

"My personal life is no one's business..."

2010-01-13T10:08:00.000-08:00

Um...sorry but...that is incorrect, Rozlyn. If you're on a reality dating show, your personal life is EVERYONE'S business. Hey, you're the one who signed up for it...

Okay. So it's been a day and maybe you don't care about The Bachelor. I do. More than I should. Despite the fact that Jake is a tad bit uptight.

I will fully admit that I basically missed the first half hour of the Bachelor. Not my fault. I was chasing Girlfriend around the house to get her into her pj's. A difficult task since she would only speak to me in dinosaur language. In case you're wondering, dinosaurs don't wear pajamas.

So by the time I got to the television on Monday, it was time for Ali's big "come fly with me" date with Jake. That's the thing about dating a pilot, you've got to expect he's going to want to fly you places. And Ali's afraid of flying. Excellent! Ali dresses for the occasion in yet another yellow dress. Who has more than one yellow dress? Maybe this is her power color. She attempts to gracefully straddle a motorcycle in it. Seriously, I think it's very rude to pick up a girl for a date on a motorcycle. Does Jake even consider how long she has probably spent on her hair? So rude. Plus you are going to get dirty from the road air and possibly bugs in your teeth.

They get to the airport and the plane is like the size of gnat. I'd be freaking out too. Jake makes a big show of doing his "pre-flight." I hope they gave that girl a shot of something before they went up in the air. Once they are flying, she likens it to "floating." Sorry, but that's not what I want to feel like while in the air. I want to hear lots of engines. But no propellers. I am not a "prop" girl.

Cue "On the Wings of Love" ABC! Of course they do. Giving Jeffrey Osborne about another 2 minutes worth of fame. Ali says "the plane taking off was our relationship taking off." Seriously. So. Cheesy.

Then Ali and Jake get into a vintage car and drive to Palm Springs. They have dinner and Ali tells Jake all of her boyfriends have names that start with J. So obviously, they must be together. Jake flashes his dimples and Ali leans in to kiss him. And then, hark! What is that music?

Jake and Ali run across a park and see a bunch of old guys singing a Chicago song. Wait...those old guys ARE Chicago! The band! You know the ones! Who sing "Saturday in the Park!" And...and....um....someone help me here....

Anyway, Ali and Jake jam out to Chicago. Can you jam out to Chicago? They try.

In the meantime, back at the house, the girls discover there will be another group date. A few girls will not be getting dates this week. One of those girls is Michelle. In case you're forgetting who Michelle is, she is the one who is scary.

When Michelle discovers she is not getting a date, she goes upstairs to pack. Because "what is the purpose of me staying? He clearly doesn't want to be with me if I'm not getting a date with him." Tenley the Disney Princess is horrified. "But you must stay!" she cries. Tenley's deer and bunnies and bluebirds nod in agreement. Michelle zips up her suitcase and puts it downstairs, throwing a dart at her Jake dartboard.

Meanwhile, the ladies and Jake are going to an amusement park. Elizabeth immediately snatches Jake away and reads him a note/poem. Or at least I thought it was poem until I realized it was actually a vaguely threatening note. It says "Don't kiss me until you're ready to kiss only me for the rest of your life." Okay. Well. A bit demanding, if you ask me. I can see not wanting to jump into bed with the guy but come on. Jake says "I respect her values...it's kind of sweet." Excellent values. If perhaps you are in a Jane Austen novel.

After the day at the amusement park, the group daters meet for cocktails. Vienna gets a little sloshy, pulls Jake aside and tells her big secret. I'll try to get this right, it's a bit confusing. At 17, she was engaged to her pastor's son but she called it off. So a month later, this pastor's son got married to someone else. So in retribution...or else just because she's an idiot....she runs off and elopes with the first breathing male she sees (this would make her 18, I suppose) and lo and behold, it doesn't work out. This makes her sob for some reason. And then Ashley with the brown hair interrupts her tale of woe with a margarita and her extremely pink fingernails.

At the end of the night, Jake gives the rose to Elizabeth, the girl who won't kiss. Together, they sit and watch the fireworks and think about kissing. Elizabeth consents to his elbow touching hers. I can't help but think that Elizabeth's rule is just like the prostitute (Julia Roberts) in Pretty Woman who won't kiss her customers but will pretty much do everything else. I wonder if the same rule applies.

Cocktail party time! It's Ella's birthday so she gets a cupcake! I'm sure that makes her feel much better about being away from her son. Michelle tells Jake she packed her bags because she didn't think he was into her.

And then the drama begins! Chris the Dork Harrison comes and pulls Rozlyn out of the cocktail party. He apologizes and says "you entered into an inappropriate relationship with a staffer." The way it was worded, you know it was written by lawyers. He then politely tells her the staffer has been fired and she has to go home. Chris looks like he might cry (as our fellow Bachelor friend Cassie has pointed out) the entire time. Rozlyn looks like a deer in the headlights. Or a kid caught with her hand in the cookie jar. Or...hell, just insert your own cliche here. She goes upstairs to pack her bag while a big fat bouncer-type watches. I don't know why. Do they think she is going to wreck the joint? Meanwhile, Rozlyn's wilted rose looks on. Nice touch, ABC. Trying to add some art to this, are you?

Meanwhile, Jake is disturbed to learn that the hottest girl on the show is getting kicked off. He gets teary-eyed and asks "can I get my rose back?" He watches as Chris tells the remaining girls the news. They all start to cry and I'm like..huh? What the heck is everyone crying about? I hate that. I'm all for crying if there's a good reason and there are plenty of good reasons. But to cry for that? Not acceptable. Clearly, no one here has experienced any real tragedy in their young, surgically-enhanced lives. Jake says "I feel deceived. If anyone else is not sure if they want to be here, pull me aside and we'll talk about."

Tenley is beside herself. Ashley can't believe Roz was "getting it on" with someone else. I can't believe that someone just used the phrase "getting it on." Ali says "f*ck her." Couldn't have put it better myself.

Okay. Rose ceremony time. Ali and Elizabeth have roses and are therefore safe.

Rose #1 Vienna
Rose #2 Gia
Rose #3 Tenley
Rose #4 Ella
Rose #5 Valisha
Rose #6 Corrie
Rose #7 Jessie
Rose #8 Asleigh with the blonde hair
Rose #9 Michelle
Rose #10 Kathryn.

This means that Christina and Ashley with the brown hair are history. Not surprised. Christina was kind of loud in a "I spend a lot of time in a bar" kind of way that would frighten someone like Mr. Pleated Khaki Pants. And Ashley had those kind of big round eyes that might frighten you late at night. Plus she insists on saying "genuon" instead of "genuine" which really irritated me. She did it more than once.

Okay. Next week someone goes bungee jumping with Jake. Vienna annoys everyone. And Jake wells up with tears. Really? Again?

Until next week...

Nan

Falling into the category of "So Bad It's Good"...

2010-01-13T09:28:00.000-08:00

or maybe it's just sooo bad??

See for yourself:

http://tvwatch.people.com/2010/01/12/bachelor-bachelorette-all-star-show-coming-to-abc/

Okay, must go bachelor blog now.

Watch this space...

2010-01-13T06:49:00.000-08:00

at some point today, I'll do the Bachelor Blog. Was in Buffalo all day yesterday so I couldn't make it happen.

More to come!

Photos – Hot Bachelor Bodies! – Brad Womack – UsMagazine.com

2010-01-11T14:02:00.001-08:00

Photos – Hot Bachelor Bodies! – Brad Womack – UsMagazine.com

Posted using ShareThis

The rest of it

2010-01-05T19:25:00.000-08:00

The Bachelor, that is.

So. Time for Jakie Jake to get to know the ladies better. He claims he is "blown away by beauty." But he assures the camera "I want inner beauty." Uh huh. Right.

First thing he does is pull Ali in the yellow dress away for alone time. She is so excited by this she falls and rips her dress. She tells him she is afraid of flying and hasn't done so for eight years. Excellent match, ABC. She asks him what his top priorities are. He says "G-d. Family. Friends." Sounds like some kind of army slogan or something. Channey tells Jake her lovely landing strip sentence in Cambodian. Jake says "that's so purdy." And then she tells him what it means. You start to wonder if Jake even knows what a landing strip is. Outside of an airport, that is.

Meanwhile, the girls are getting to know each other. Christina notices that "lots of girls have their tatas out to play." Ashley the brunette decides to take things up a notch by dressing up in a vintage stewardess outfit that is literally up to her hoo-ha. All while telling Jake that she is working on her PHD.

Elizabeth the nanny is desperate to get attention so she grabs a football and challenges Jake to a game. Somehow this leads to a game with all the girls, blondes versus brunettes. I have a feeling that the brunettes should have been a much larger team if they were looking at people's roots. Jake plays quarterback for both teams. Which makes sense because some of the women are larger than him.

I know. I'm a height-ist. I can't help help. It's biological, I swear.

In case you care, the brunettes won. Insert your own blonde joke here.

Here a few observations from the night, or at least the night ABC wanted us to see. Michelle is freaking crazy. Crying, freaking out that "her husband Jake" is talking to other women. Rozlyn is beautiful but evil. Vienna likes to touch people. Lots of girls keep talking about their values which means you can bet no one's going to see any action this season. Tenly tells Jake ten things about her and then kisses him and then freaks out because he's only like the second guy she's ever kissed. Really? And then...

Jillian and Ed show up! Jillian in a disco ball of a dress. Why are they there? To help their dear pal make sense of all the ladies. You know Ed is psyched. He is taking notes. Or jotting down numbers, one or the other. They interview the ladies. Jillian dirty dances with one of them. What?

Okay. They reach their conclusions. Ed tells Jake he likes Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska. Uh huh. I'll bet. Jillian likes Ella. Jake says "who goes?" Ed practically screams "Michelle! Not a good vibe!" Really? What gave you that impression? The bunny boiling away in the kitchen? Jake says thanks and ignores what they have to say.

He then gives Tenley the first impression rose and she is welling up with tears. Oh brother. These two are made for each other. You can see all the animals of the forest stitching her wedding gown as we speak.

Okay. Rose ceremony time. Tenley is safe. Here is the rest:

Rose #1 Ella

Rose #2 Elizabeth from Nebraska

Rose #3 Ali

Rose #4 Vienna

Rose #5 Christina

Rose #6 Gia

Rose #7 Ashley (brunette)

Rose #8 Rozlyn

Rose #9 Jessie

Rose #10 Corrie

Rose #11 Valisha

Rose #12 Asleigh (blonde)

Rose #13 Kathryn

Rose #14 Michelle (who sobs pathetically).

And then we get scenes for the upcoming season. In case you haven't heard in the news, some bachelorette on the show hooks up with a crew member which throws everyone into a tizzy. Hey, she certainly wasn't going to get any from Jake. Not surprisingly, there are lots of tears. And apparently, Jakie Jake gets so mad that he kicks something. What a badass.

And that's all, folks. Can't wait until next week....

Sorry so late. I apologize for any typos, too tired to read this again.

Bachelor Round-Up "You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime..."

2010-01-05T13:50:00.000-08:00

"Just smile for me and let the day begin
You are the sunshine that lights my heat within
I'm sure that you're an angel in disguise
Come take my hand and together we will rise

On the wings of love
Up and above the clouds
The only way to fly
Is on the wings of love
On the wings of love
Only the two of us
Together flying high
Flying high
Upon the wings of love..."

Seriously. Doesn't it make you throw up in your mouth a little?

And yet. The producers at ABC thought this was a good theme song for our new Bachelor, Jake.

Anyone else get the feeling they were trying to rip off "Top Gun" in the beginning of The Bachelor last night? Just Jakie Jake, a real man's man if I ever saw one, wearing his Aviator glasses taking off down the highway on his motorcycle. At one point, he pauses. And...cue the sunset! Cue the birds! Cue Jake's sculptured jawline! Jake is just like Maverick! At this point in the game, is Tom Cruise really the man you want to emulate??

Let me start by saying this...I like Jake. I do. He is a little too earnest, sincere and squeaky clean for his own good. But. There is something about these qualities that are also incredibly endearing. Of course, he has such high moral standards that I'm not sure any woman is ever going to measure up. And I'm pretty certain he might iron his underwear. That being said, I'm sure he looks really nice doing it.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

What did we learn last night? Well, for starters...there will be a lot of tears this season. Or almost tears. You know the kind. Like when your eyes well up but don't actually overflow. Picture Emilio Estevez in "The Breakfast Club" when he's talking about his dad. You know what I mean. Last night, as Jake talked about meeting his future wife, he did that almost-tears thing and said "I'm going to walk out of here with a fiance." I checked the clock. It was only 8:05. Five minutes into the show and we already had tears. It was going to be a long night.

Or as about 8 or 9 bachelorettes said last night "It's going to be a bumpy ride." Seriously, ABC, how many more of these pilot puns are we going to have endure this season?

So we briefly meet some of the bachelorettes as they prepare to come on the show. A few highlights...Ali, a pretty blonde who's last boyfriend used to sneak out of her room while she was sleeping to have relations with her roommate. Alexa "I love straddling my Harley." Tenley "I played Arielle, Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella in Disney World, teee-hee...and I just know my prince is waiting for me." Christina is "a guy's girl and I'm a little bitchy." Vienna the Paris Hilton-Wanna-Be who totes her little dog Chloe around everywhere who has a "daddy who bought me like five cars because I keep crashing them." Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska who looks like Courtney Cox with fake boobs. Gia is a "fitness model"...which I think means you have an excellent body but face, not so much. Emily is also a fit model. Is this a popular occupation? How does one become one? There's Tiana, who I thought was Disney's newest princess (she is in my house) but on the Bachelor, it means you are a tall blonde Canadian who considers herself old at age 31.

All right. Next Maverick, er, Jake pulls up at the Bachelor Mansion on his motorcycle. The driveway is wet as usual. Why is it always wet? This is Southern California, for G-d's sake. Chris the Dork Harrison and Jake have a little sit-down together. Jake's eyes well up AGAIN as he says his parents still hold hands in the grocery store and he's haunted by loneliness. Chris Harrison says "I hear you have a lot of first dates but not seconds." Jake's lower lip starts to tremble.

And then it's time to meet the ladies! Here are some initial impressions, so you can keep them all straight:

First girl out is Rozlyn. She is beautiful in a truly unexceptional way. She looks like a much skinner, not as interesting Scarlet Johanson. She is also the first to say "fasten your seat belt, it's going to be a bumpy ride." Ha ha. Good one.

Next up...Emily. She is tiny with dark hair, green eyes, green dress and teeth like Chicklets.

Next is Ali, a cute blonde in a very yellow dress. She tickles Jake with a peacock feather. He seems thrilled.

Jessie. A slim brunette with curly hair and a bit of a deer-in-the-headlights stare. She touches Jake's arm and says "do you have a registry for those guns?" Oy.

Next is our Disney princess, Tenley. She pops out of the limo and a trail of bluebirds follow her singing. She also looks a lot like Christina Applegate.

Next is Ella, the hairstylist from Knoxville with a son. She does that neat little trick of "hey what's on your shirt" and then knocks Jake in the nose. Some people find that endearing. I think it is seriously annoying.

Next up is Kathryn, a blonde flight attendant in a very fluffy purple dress.

Next is Caitlyn, who I forgot existed until I just checked my notes. She is a brunette in a blue sparkly dress who I literally never saw again for the rest of the show.

Then there is Elizabeth, the air captain who is about as serious as a heart attack. She asks Jake if he prefers to be called Jacob.

Alexa is a blonde wearing motorcycle gloves. We don't see much of her after this either.

Then there is Vienna, the Paris Wannabe. She gets out and touches Jake's abs. She is blond and kinda cross-eyed.

Next is Corrie from Kissimmee. This is a town close to Orlando. She also charms Jake by saying "what do you think about kissimmee?" He blushes and then she explains herself. Big laughs shared by all.

Then there is Kimberly, a dancer from Oklahoma. Not very memorable except for...hmm. That's all I got.

Then there is Valishia, who is a brunette in a red dress who gives Jake some dirt from Texas.

Next is Gia, the fitness model who also owns a hair salon. I found her mouth kinda distracting but she has a certain look.

Then there is Elizabeth the nanny from Nebraska. Again...picture Courtney Cox with freckles.

There's Channy, wearing a very short yellow dress that barely covers her landing strip. At least that's what she tells him in Cambodian.

There's the brunette Ashley, a teacher in a pink dress.

And then there is Tiana, the fake blonde from Canada who reminded me of Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter.

Dear G-d, does this ever end??? I've been writing this for almost an hour now and I'm still not done.

Next is Christina, who comes carrying jellybeans as parting gifts for all the girls because she is sure she will win. Way to make friends, Christina.

Then there is blonde Ashleigh, who trips and winds up in the Bachelor's arms. I don't think she faked it, it was a pretty big trip.

Next is Kirsten, a blond waitress. I don't think we see her again.

Next up is Stephanie in a short gold dress. She is a dance coach.

Then there is Sheila, who walks up in aviator glasses because hey, she's an aviator too. Never mind that it looks like crap with an evening gown.

And finally, there is Michelle, who acts like a airplane as she gets out of the limo. Does it sound stupid? Yup, it was.

Okay. Well. I think I'm going to need to take a break now. I've got to do some work before I leave so tune in later for the rest. More to come!

"You can land your plane on my landing strip anytime."

2010-01-05T07:05:00.000-08:00

The great thing about the Bachelor? There is never a shortage of dumb quotes. Ever.

I have high hopes for this season, folks. But let me say...with all the talk about values and morals, it's going to be a PG-rated season. I think Harry Potter may be steamier than this.

Still. I'll totally be watching.

More to come later.

Tomorrow night's the night....

2010-01-03T19:27:00.000-08:00

it's Bachelor time...

Two hours of squeaky clean Jake. Two hours of pleated khakis and extra white smiles. It's either going to be really great (in a cheesy way) or just awful.

But there's only one way to find out...

The train wreck starts tomorrow night at 8pm. Enjoy!

What are your hopes and dreams for the New Year?

2010-01-01T19:30:00.001-08:00

Everybody wants something. For our three-year-old, it's a Tiana princess doll. And a Blackberry.

We are so not Blackberry people. Like my husband has one but...barely uses it. I just requested one from work so I don't even have one in the house. Yet A. insists she needs one. Why?

"Homsa has one."

Homsa is her "friend." Apparently, I don't know her. She isn't from preschool or the park or Barnes & Nobles. Homsa is from Norida. I asked A. if that's near Florida. It isn't.

Homsa also kicks and can be very mean. But not all the time. Homsa has a friend named Lisa who she is always calling on her Blackberry. A. says if she has a Blackberry, then she will be able to call Homsa. But if Homsa is mean, I ask, why does she need to call her?

An eyeroll. I actually got one of those. At age 3.

So what are my hopes and dreams for the New Year? Frankly, I don't feel like sharing. It's like when people ask you what you are thankful for on Thanksgiving. I just basically think it is no one's beeswax. Not trying to be a brat, I just think it's personal.

So if anyone asks, I'll talk a Tiana doll. And The Bachelor show returning. Which it is.

But that's not what I really want.

And no, it's not a Blackberry.

P.S. In case you happen to follow The Bachelor, go to abc.com to play the Rose Ceremony Game.

Happy New Bachelor...almost!

2009-12-29T06:53:00.001-08:00

So much to look forward to in the new year....starting with our new Bachelor...Mr. Pleated Khakis himself, Jake.

Everyone seems to be worried that he's going to be boring so...clearly ABC is trying to spice things up by releasing the news that one of the contestants has been hooking up with a crew member! Excellent! Because you know Jake is too straight-arrow for any funny business. Good start, ABC. Keep it coming.

In the meantime, the show premieres on January 4th at 8pm. More news to come...

Who is Torsten Krol?

2009-12-15T13:58:00.000-08:00

So I just finished reading a fabulous book. I do not say this lightly. Very few books leave feeling fully satisfied. Either I like the story but not the writing style. Or I like the writing style and the story goes no where. Never fear, I am equally harsh on my own writing.

When I picked up the book The Dolphin People, I had zero expectations. For some reason, I thought it was a young adult novel which is why I chose it. Mostly because I find adult novels lately to be so angst-ridden, they can be a bit soul-crushing.

This was not a young adult novel. Nor was it depressing. I don't want to give too much away. But it follows the tale of a German family post-WWII after their plane crashes in the jungle. An Amazonian Indian tribe finds them and believes they are dolphin people who came out of the river. The German family must do all they can to keep this illusion going in order to survive. But this blog post isn't about the book. It's about the author.

On the book cover, it says..this book was written by Torsten Krol. Nothing further is known about him.

Pulease. What a drama queen.

I can appreciate if you want your anonymity but seriously, why all the dramatics?

Unless. You aren't who you say you are.

Of course, I had to google the guy and read everything I could find out about him. It appears that he might live in Australia. Or he might in reality not be Torsten Krol...but Stephen King.

This is not a horror novel. But the tone of voice in it is pretty confident. It seems to me that the person who wrote this has written lots of other things. Not just one other novel (something called Callisto and the only reason I didn't run out and buy is because it's about the war in Iraq and that topic makes me sick to my stomach.)

I'm convinced Torsten Krol is the pen name of someone more famous. And I'm so pissed that I can't find out who. Someone out there has to know. By the way, I am guessing Stephen King because the name doesn't sound unlike Torsten Krol. And because Stephen King has written lots of things beyond the horror genre that are fabulous, like "The Green Mile" and "Stand By Me."

Just for the record, if I ever get a novel published, I promise to be the biggest media whore ever. My public deserves it.

Princess Stalking

2009-12-04T12:52:00.000-08:00

So we went to Disney. Not a long trip. Just one day at the Magic Kingdom. But apparently, long enough to stalk princesses.

Now. I knew A. liked princesses. I didn't know she thought of them as rock stars. This became clear the moment we entered the park and spotted Snow White. Overall, I think Snow White looked a bit sweaty. Yes, I know...Florida humidity. Unfortunately, she had to go somewhere (a date with Sleepy? a power walk with Grumpy?)and left. Apparently, that still counted as "seeing" her.

One princess down. A whole lot more to go.

So we headed over to Toon Town which is apparently where you can meet three princesses all at one time. It's a crap shoot because you never know who you are going to get. When we reached the front of the line, we discovered we had hit the Princess Trifecta...Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella and Belle. I had warned A. that we might not see Sleeping Beauty because she naps a lot. But she was there, platinum wig and all.

Here's where it got weird. A. would barely look/talk/interact with the princesses. Mostly she stuck her hands in her mouth.

SLEEPING BEAUTY: Oh, I see you are wearing a dress with berries on it. I was just out picking berries this morning.

A: ??????

CINDERELLA: Oh my, what a lovely barrette you are wearing.

A: ?????

BELLE: Look! We both have brown hair!

A: ??????

Now, maybe A. just thought these were dumb conversations to have and didn't want to waste her time. She wouldn't be wrong. Or maybe she was frightened by their eye shadow. I was. In any event, four princesses down. More to go.

Ariel is not completely a princess but a princess mermaid. Apparently, this means she gets her own venue. The line streamed round and round at Ariel's grotto. When we finally got inside, Ariel was like really tiny. And she had a fake midriff. That is....she had a fabric tummy. No matter. A. wouldn't talk to her either. She spent most of the time inspecting the palm of her hand. Ariel checked it out too. Four princesses and one princess/mermaid down. I assumed we were done. Oh no.

We walked over to the Small World ride and A. got hysterical that Jasmine wasn't there. I explained that I didn't know where Jasmine was because she was a lesser princess and didn't get her own real estate. This only made the crying worse. Luckily, an employee from Small World overheard us and made a phone call to track down Jasmine. No joke, she really did. This is why Disney rocks.

Apparently, Jasmine would be appearing with Aladdin by the Magic Carpet ride at 11:15. After It's a Small World, we raced over to meet her. Aladdin could have been invisible for all she cared. A. only had eyes for Jasmine. Jasmine actually did show her midriff which made her quite popular with the Dads.

After that, A. had no need to meet any characters. She seemed to have forgotten about Mulan and Pochantas which is good. We stopped stalking and started having fun.

I promise. No more princess postings after this. Next post...why the Rainforest Cafe is my idea of hell.

No Giants in the House

2009-11-10T10:16:00.000-08:00

Every household needs rules. Our rules include no giants, dinosaurs, dragons, witches or ghosts in the house. Fairies, on the other hand, are quite welcome.

Apparently though, giants keep getting in. You'd think someone would notice them climbing up the stairs of our brownstone but no. Sharks are also becoming something of a problem. Just yesterday, they were circling our dining room table:

A: Put your feet up! We're on a pirate ship and there are sharks around.

Me: Okay.

A: Careful! The shark is biting my feet! Now he's biting my private parts!

Me: Um...

A: Now he's eating my nipples! Those are private parts too!

Me: Hey, how about another chicken finger?

And much later, coincidentally around bedtime, a giant got into the house. Again. I told him to leave and not to come back. We checked her bedroom for any extra ones that might be hiding in the closet. We did find a dragon. I made him leave via the fire escape.

Me: By the way, you know that giants and dragons aren't real.

A: Yes. They are pretend. So are witches. And ghosts. And horses.

Me: Well, horses are real.

A: No.

Me: Yes they are. We've seen them.

A: But they are really big.

Me: Yes.

A: Like giants.

I am starting to see the logic here. Kind of.

A: Don't be afraid of giants and dragons, Mommy. They are just pretend.

Me: Okay.

A: But princesses are real. And fairies too.

Me: Do they ever get in the house?

A: No. They live in Florida.

Of course they do. But in the event they ever make it to Brooklyn, we'll invite them in.

Hello, my sweet city...

2009-11-05T10:34:00.000-08:00

I'm back. Not that you care.

You're like that old boyfriend I had once

who barely looked up when I entered the room.

And only gave me a compliment once

and that was on my shoes.

Even though you don't always make me feel good about myself

I'm happy to be back in your big, gray arms.

It's okay, you don't have to hug back

as long as you

don't push me away.

Just in time for Halloween...

2009-10-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

we are being haunted by the ghosts of Bachelors past.

Yes, Jason is engaged. Does he deserve to be on the cover of US Magazine? Probably not. Yet, here he is:

http://www.usmagazine.com/celebritynews/news/jason-mesnick-molly-gave-up-bachelorette-for-me-20092810?utm_source=dailynewsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=newsletter

And more importantly, do you think he's had a nose job? Hmmm....what do you think?

Hypochondriacs unite!

2009-10-23T07:14:00.000-07:00

In New York, it's sometimes hard to find your peeps. People who really really get you. Quite by accident, I found a few of mine yesterday. Standing on line at CVS, waiting to get our seasonal flu shots.

Now, you have to know that in order to even know about this flu clinic, you had to be the type who did your homework. The clinic was not listed on the nyc.gov website nor did the helpful folks at 311 know about it. After getting shut out of not one but two flu clinics at Duane Reade, I did some major googling. Which led me to this flu clinic at a CVS on 18th Street. The very last flu clinic at any CVS in Manhattan. My daughter got her flu shot at her doctor, my husband was getting his at work. I was not going to be the lone flu target in the house. So I got there 30 minutes early to lines and total mayhem.

Let me first say, I waited for two hours for my shot. Naturally, everyone on line got to know each other pretty well. Here are some bits and pieces of conversation on line. I would like to add that NONE of this is made up or embellished in any way. This is what I heard, word for word, scribbling down in my little black book:

"I'm going to have to do a lot of flying in the next few months. So I guess I should get a face mask."

"Oh yes. You must get a face mask."

"I wonder which aisle they're on?"

"Oh no. Don't buy the ones here. The best ones are at hardware stores. You know, the respirator kinds."

"Maybe we're all getting each other sick, standing so close together on this line."

"No, they won't give the flu shot to anyone here with symptoms. So everyone here is healthy."

"Or maybe they just appear healthy. And tomorrow they will get symptoms. Isn't that when you are most contagious, just before you get something?"

"Do you think they are Purell-ing between people?"

"They better make it cooler in here or people will start passing out. And then CVS will be in big trouble."

"Yes, they should pass out bottles of water."

"I've been shut out of three different flu clinics already."

"Are you going to get the Swine Flu vaccine?"

"I don't know. But I am going to get the pneumonia vaccine."

"Really? I didn't know it existed."

"I might get the pneumonia vaccine but not swine flu. Because that way if I get swine flu, it won't give me pneumonia."

"I didn't know they made so many different kind of protein bars. Or amino acids. Or protein shakes."

"Yeah. I could really go for a malted."

"My friend stopped eating in restaurants because of the flu."

"Well, if she came here to get vaccinated, she wouldn't have to worry."

"Can we pick which nurse gives us the vaccine? I don't like the look of that one."

"If people are willing to wait on line for a movie or a restaurant, why wouldn't they wait on line for this?"

Ah. I love New York.

Breaking Bachelor News...in case you care...

2009-10-21T10:34:00.000-07:00

Jason and Molly are engaged. These two deserve each other.

In case you want to read more, go here:

http://tvwatch.people.com/2009/10/21/jason-mesnick-and-molly-malaney-are-engaged/

This is why the University of Michigan is superior to UF

2009-10-19T14:08:00.000-07:00

I say this because my partner at work (and University of Michigan alumni) just explained to me the concept of the two point conversion. Aha. So that's what everyone means when they talk about "going for two." Got it.

And hence...why she went to the University of Michigan. And I did not.

It's the sport of kings...

2009-10-19T12:38:00.000-07:00

better than diamond rings....football.

Anyone else remember that little ditty from the movie "Wildcats?" Just me? Okay.

So I've been watching football for years. Growing up in Florida..that's what you do. And I went to a big football school....okay, this is an understatement. I went to the currently undefeated, National Championship-winning University of Florida. So obviously, I must know everything there is to know about football. Right? Right?

I will go on the record here and now and say there are a lot of things I don't understand about it. Does this make me sound like an idiot? Possibly. But there are things I just don't get...

1. What are "special teams?" No one has ever given me a straight answer on this.

2. What constitutes "excessive celebrating?" Is it jumping up and down? A fist pump to the air? Chest bumping teammates? I don't get it. Who gets to decide? And also, who cares?

3. What's up with the flags? I never seem to see them when they get thrown. And why do they get thrown? For stuff like "holding?" Isn't it necessary to hold the football in order to make a goal?

4. Why is it impossible to tell if the kicker makes the extra point? Unless it runs right down the middle, who can tell?

5. First down? Third down? Husband has explained this to me but I still don't actually know what this is.

6. How do you know if your team is a running team or a throwing team? And also, why is this important?

My dear college roommate used to try to help me, sitting next to me at Gator games and saying "clap now" but it didn't really help. I can still generally tell who wins the game. Touchdowns are also exceedingly clear. Extra points, not always.

Yes, I want the Gators to win. And the Hurricanes to lose. I even want the Dolphins to win...even if they never do. But the details? Still a bit of a mystery.

And the new Bachelor is.....

2009-10-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

drumroll.....Jake!

Well, yeah. We thought so. But ABC wanted to make it all official.

Get ready for the parade of pleated khakis...

More Tales of the Critter Magnet

2009-10-13T07:25:00.000-07:00

As I've blogged before, critters seem to be drawn to me. When I lived in Florida, it was frogs and lizards. In my city life, it's been (shudder) rodents. I hesitate to even write the word since when I do, they seem to take it as an open invitation.

Now, I should tell you that we live on the 4th floor of a brownstone. So you'd think that the critters wouldn't want to travel that far. Seems as though they don't mind.

The other night, we're in bed and I turn off the light to go to sleep. Then I hear an odd zapping noise, like an electrical current. I turn the light back on again and a huge insect with brown wings is standing on my nightstand smiling at me. I shriek, wake the husband and point. He attempts to "get" it (sorry animal lovers) but wholeheartedly misses. This leads to us both jumping on the bed, scouring the room for the little bugger. And then we hear the familiar "zzz-zzz" that this insect makes. The husband stalks him and eventually moves in for the kill. I somewhat feel bad for destroying such a strange-looking creature. Husband looks at me strangely and goes to sleep.

But I can't. Since I know it's just a matter of time before we get another night time visitor. I am convinced that at some point, a bat is going to get in. It stands to reason since we live really close to the park. And the park is apparently crawling with them. Actually, I guess flying with them is more appropriate. I'm convinced they fly in through our chimney and hang out in the living room, playing with A's Legos. And while I think bats are kinda cool animals, I totally don't think I could handle it if one got in the house.

In the meantime, A. keeps insisting she is seeing mice all over the house. She even insists there is a mouse hole by the front door, throwing herself on the ground at least once a day to say "hello mouse!" Maybe she sees something I don't. Or perhaps she just enjoys torturing me. Or maybe, just maybe...she's a critter magnet too.

The New Bachelor is....

2009-10-02T10:48:00.000-07:00

Jake. At least according to the Internet. And if you read it there, then you know it must be true.

Want more? Go here:

http://www.film.com/tv/the-bachelor/story/report-jake-pavelka-abcs-new/30308126

And in case you don't remember who Jake is..he's Mr. All-American Perfect Pilot with the pleated khakis. He might quite possibly iron his underwear. Have fun ladies....

And yes, I cannot wait.

The Least Sucky Princess

2009-09-29T13:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know. I have blogged about this before. But still..it just has to be said. Currently we are in Stage 2 of princess-ness and I have to think we are almost done with them. Right? Uh...right?

Note: this does not mean that I in any way prevent her from experiencing princesses as she sees fit. Meaning we have the books, the dolls, the clothes, the music. If this is what she really loves....then she deserves to experience it.

But.

Since I have been reading lots of princess books lately...let me just say, most of them suck and don't teach such great lessons. Arielle saves Prince Eric from drowning. However, she then has to give up her voice in order to win him. So she just does it based on her beauty and...well, her beauty. Next!

Snow White, as everyone knows, is a total doormat and really not so bright. First she lets some hunter lead her off into the woods and leave her there. Then she decides to become the housekeeper for seven slovenly men. And then she takes an apple from an old witch. Come on, sister! No brains in that pretty little head of yours? But it all works out because a prince falls in love with her beauty and wakes her up. Snow White, you suck.

Now, let's talk about Belle, aka Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, yeah...Disney makes a big deal about how she reads books. But she still winds up having to cater to this Beast who doesn't treat her so well. Yet she falls in love with him. And then he becomes a handsome prince. This fairy tale caters especially to smart women who love the wrong guys and think they can change them. Belle, you suck, too.

Cinderella is another doormat who lives with mice, cleans for some ungrateful, boorish relatives and then miraculously, finds a fairy godmother who makes her pretty enough to go to a ball and win a man's heart. My take? Cinderella is depressed and therefore delusional about the situation and imagines the whole thing.

And we won't even talk about Sleeping Beauty, who basically sleeps through her whole story.

Supposedly, Disney is trying to create a new princess named Tiana. Tiana is Disney's first African-American princess. They promise that Tiana will be strong and independent and not looking for anyone to help her. Though presently, if you click on the Disney Princess website...which I do more often than I care to admit...Tiana doesn't speak. All of the other animated princesses have a whole conversation with you. Tiana, thus far, just sits there smiling. So I'll believe it when I see it.

And by the way, books about feminist princesses still suck because they are trying too hard.

I've heard the next girl stage is fairies. Which I'm looking forward to. Since fairies control their own destinies. Provided no one mistakes them for say, a mosquito.

New Bachelor!

2009-09-23T11:26:00.000-07:00

Apparently,there is one. But ABC won't announce it until October 13th on Dancing with the Stars. Damn them!

Which means you'll have to watch "stars" like Tom DeLay attempt to tango in order to find out the scoop. Oh ABC, why must you punish us so....

Just keeping you in the loop.

Who says kids don't notice advertising?

2009-09-21T13:38:00.000-07:00

So our girl got sick her first full week of school. Not terribly surprising though still a bummer. Just a little cold and fever. And upset tummy.

I ran out and bought some soup. The brand shall remain nameless but I used to work on it. Specifically, the exact type of soup that I purchased.

A. inspected the can carefully. I asked her if she wanted some.

A: No! Because the boy turned gray.

Me: What?

A: The boy ate the soup and turned gray. I don't want to be gray.

Me: What are you talking about?

A. points at the can of soup. There is a black and white cartoon drawing of a boy on it. Technically, I guess you could call him gray but he's really black and white. This is beside the point.

The funny part is, the boy is part of a campaign I was responsible for. The campaign is no longer running and A. was most certainly not the target market. Still, it was a little startling to realize how literal a three-year-old could be.

Me: You won't turn gray. It's just like a picture. You know. Like in a book. Just pretend.

She wasn't buying it.

By the end of the day, she felt better. But she insisted on chicken fingers for dinner. And since it's the first food she requested in about three days, that's what she had. We'll save the advertising lesson for another day.

How you know it's time to get out of the city

2009-09-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

Not for good, of course, since I have a fear of the suburbs. One I will have to get over eventually but not any time soon.

So we decided to go away for a few days last week. Mostly because we had never done it before, just husband, A and myself. Unless you count visiting relatives, which is not the same as staying in a hotel together.

First sign it was time to get out of the city? A says "is this car service?" I say, "no, honey...your daddy's driving." This is very funny news to her. She says "my daddy's a driver."

After a slightly minor melt-down in the car, she fell asleep. All seemed well when we arrived at the hotel. She thought it was very cool place to be, complete with a "special bed." And even more special, real phones.

"Mama, what's this?"

"It's a phone."

She eyed the large black box suspiciously but picked up the receiver. "I need to call someone."

And so we let her. Seemed like a great way to occupy her until the phone actually rang.

"This is the front desk. Someone called 911?"

"Ugh...really?"

"Yes."

"It was probably our daughter. Sorry about that."

"Well, the police might come. We'll call them but if they are on their way..."

We unplug the phone.

Then we go to the aquarium. A fun time is had by all. She touches rays, crabs, birds, etc. We swim. We eat a lot of fried things and ice cream. A swims in a pool. We go to a beach where we are basically the only ones there. We go on a few boat rides up and down the Mystic River. We decide Mystic Seaport (the attraction itself) is like Epcot...good idea in theory, not so much in execution. Cute town. Seaport, eh.

And we go to Target because we love it there and could possibly live in one forever, given the chance.

On the way home, A. says "I like our car."

"We're giving it back."

And she looks at it sadly but only for a minute.

"Can I ride the train tomorrow?"

Why This Isn't Pretty

2009-09-06T20:19:00.001-07:00

By this, I mean...this. My bloggy blog.

Yes, I know it could look better. It could have a nicer layout. Be better organized. Include pictures, even.

Overall the whole thing could be more appetizing. I say this because I work in advertising. So I know the importance of appealing to people's visual sensibilities, even if they claim not to have any.

But. I. Don't. Care.

Unlike most things in the world, this bloggy blog is about words. And that's it.

And yes, I know that presenting this to the world in this fashion may be the equivalent of walking out of the house without my undereye cover-up and lipgloss on but ya know? Whatever.

You're reading this, right? Can't be that bad.

And since The Bachelor is on hiatus until January...chances are you'll be hearing mostly about me for the next six months.

It'll be fun. But it won't be pretty.

In case you're wondering...

2009-08-31T11:25:00.000-07:00

and you're probably not. But I was.

The new Bachelor show premieres on January 4th. Yes, that's what I said. January. And they claim they don't know who the new Bachelor is. So...get in your applications now...

Happy last day of August...

Birthday People

2009-08-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

You know how for some people birthdays are like, no big deal? Just another day of the week.

Yeah. I'm totally not one of those.

I've always been glad that my birthday is usually on/close to Thanksgiving because I firmly believe no one should work on my big day. Certainly not me.

So when our girl was born in August, I was happy for her. Birthdays filled with sunshine and no school. Of course, it might be an eensy-weensy bit humid. But still. Birthday parties in the park or in a pool (if we ever have one..they don't fit too well on Brooklyn rooftops) seemed guaranteed for her future.

Only...August is when lots of people want to skip town. Sort of a farewell to summer type thing. A last hurrah, if you will. Lots of A's little buddies will be on vacation and unable to attend. Which makes me sad.

And then there are those pesky hurricanes.

Why are hurricanes a problem if you don't live in say, New Orleans or Florida? Because eventually those hurricanes move north...usually in the form of big tropical depressions. And right now, as we speak...Hurricane Bill is getting itself all frothed up in the Atlantic, heading for Bermuda. Which isn't that terribly far from us.

Does this mean that A's party is destined to be in our little apartment? Stay tuned. Of course, this will mean less schlepping for us. But still. I think our girl deserves a sunshine day. As an August baby, it's her birthright.

Birthday Person that I am, I'm checking weather.com like a madwoman. Is once an hour considered excessive?

I'm taking a poll. When's the best month or birthdays? The worst?

I know I said I'd stop talking about the Bachelorette...

2009-08-12T08:36:00.000-07:00

but these people just will not stay out of the news! According to Us Weekly, all the guys said Ed was a tool. See for yourself:

http://www.usmagazine.com/news/castmates-ed-talked-about-having-a-girlfriend-on-bachelorette-set-2009118

Two Bachelorette covers in two weeks! At least it's better than hearing about John and Kate again.

Bachelorette Winner Cheated With Two Different Women

2009-08-05T07:24:00.001-07:00

Bachelorette Winner Cheated With Two Different Women

Posted using ShareThis

Anderson Cooper asks Jillian that burning question...

2009-07-31T07:42:00.000-07:00

see for yourself:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qsnSWdC_Mo

Thanks Peter Farrell for bringing this to my attention...

Happy Friday and enjoy.

The Reluctant Princess

2009-07-29T09:14:00.000-07:00

In case you think I'm talking about my daughter, think again. It's me.

That's because we are going through a princess phase in our house and I'm slightly amused yet horrified at the same time.

Though A. has informed me that she is the queen and I am the princess. At least she aiming to be in the position of authority.

I could handle the pink and the tutus and the fairy wings. But there is just something so insipid about Snow White chirping away "someday my prince will come." And A. gets really annoyed if I try to imitate her, fluttering my eyelashes and gesturing wildly.

"Listen," she will tell me. "Just listen."

And she does. And she loves it. So I will keep my opinions to myself. Or try. Try very hard. Because if this is what she likes, than she deserves to experience it. Let her dream of fluffy dresses and fairy godmothers. And before we know it, she'll be on to horses or dinosaurs or whatever else phase comes next.

In the meantime, the hierarchy is Snow White first, then Arielle (who she calls Marielle) and Cinderella.

"What do the princesses do?" she asks me.

"Well," I say. "Snow White cooks, Arielle swims and Cinderella cleans."

She wrinkles her nose. "What about Sleeping Beauty?"

"She just sleeps."

"I don't like that!"

"Sorry, that's what they do."

It won't be long now. In the meantime, did you know that a wish is a dream your heart makes? When its fast asleep?

Nothing more needs to be said about Jillian and Ed...

2009-07-29T09:13:00.000-07:00

so I won't. Except...good luck. And...Reid for Bachelor!

Bachelorette Finale....drama? What drama?

2009-07-28T14:33:00.000-07:00

This is how I know I’m a geek. As if there was ever any doubt.

I spent a shameful part of yesterday cruising the Internet, looking for scoop on what might happen on The Bachelorette Finale. One blogger promised that Ed had a girlfriend and there would much drama surrounding this. Another claimed she chose no one. Even Chris Harrison promised “most dramatic season finale ever!”

Ha. I think not.

Certainly not as dramatic as Brad Womack choosing no one. Or Jason picking one and then the other. What happened last night? She picked Ed. Otherwise known as E.D. Code name, Green Shorts. Perhaps if he didn’t wear those so tight, the E.D. wouldn’t be much of a problem.

So last night Jilly brought her family (mom, dad, granny and look-alike cousin) to Hawaii to meet the two remaining guys. I’ll be honest, I missed most of Ed meeting the parents, though I hear he put on a coconut shell bikini and danced with Jilly’s dad. And of course, that he asked for her hand in marriage. I tried to dedicate two whole hours to the show but really, it’s just impossible. At 8pm, Girlfriend and I were having debates over reading Fancy Nancy versus Dora the Explorer and deciding whether or not Hoho the Monkey was an acceptable bedtime substitute for the orange Care Bear. Don’t know what I’m talking about? You might someday…

Anyway, I tuned into Kiptyn attempting to make nice nice with Jilly’s parents. Ah, Kiptyn. Mr. “Nine-pack” (Jilly’s words, not mine….wouldn’t there have to be an even number to be on both sides of the stomach?) There’s nothing technically wrong with Kiptyn. It’s just he’s a bit too…perfect. And I have to say, it seemed like he was phoning it in a bit with Jilly’s family. Either that or he is the most boring person on the planet. Which is entirely possible.

Then Jilly asks her family what they think. Mom and the cousin like Kiptyn. Dad likes Ed. No, Dad loves Ed. Dad wants Jillian to marry Ed. Or maybe Dad wants to marry Ed?

Jilly then pulls her cousin aside for some “girl talk” where she politely tells her that she doesn’t want to rip off Ed’s clothes. Cousin looks at her like, duh. Go for the guy with the nine-pack! Whatever the hell that is.

Next day, off to the Big Island with the two loves of Jilly’s life. First up, date with Ed. Jillian says “Ed and I are a basket full of nerves. There’s a lot of pressure here.” Why? Because Ed talks the talk but he can’t walk the walk. Hope he brought his little blue pill!

First off, Jill and Ed take a helicopter ride into a volcano. Ed seems jealous of all the exploding lava. The two of them make out a lot. He says “I don’t know if it was the volcano that was heating things up but it sure was hot in there.” I’m shaking my head.

Then they land and take a hike to a waterfall, to a secluded spot where they make out some more. I’m fairly certain he is eating Jilly’s chin.

Then Ed busts out the green shorts and they go swimming in the waterfall. He tells Jilly he will never leave her again. And that he wants to take her back to his room. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Jill says, I’m worried he is going to stress out again.

But ABC wants to make it perfectly clear that isn’t the case. Not only do they show Ed and Jill in a darkened bedroom, they actually show the lights going out. In case there was ever any doubt in your mind, they then cut to a shot of an exploding volcano with lava pouring out. I considered throwing things at the television at this point but thought my husband wouldn’t appreciate it.

Next day, next dude. Kiptyn of the fine abs. Jilly and Kiptyn make out on a surfboard, something I wasn’t sure was even possible. Then they’re in the bedroom, making out while holding wine glasses, which is another neat trick. Kiptyn tells her he wants to spend his life with her. Truthfully, JIlly looks a little bored. But she touches his abs and she’s back in business.

Okay. Next morning. Proposal day! JIlly wakes up and says she knows who she wants to be with. In the meantime, Kip and Ed go ring shopping. Kiptyn picks out a nice-looking three carat ring. What the hell, he’s not paying for it. I don’t remember much about it but thought it was nice, if a bit bling-y. Ed picked out a pear-shaped diamond that frankly, looked a little mafia wife to me. You may disagree with me but it is possible to have too many diamonds.

Jilly dresses in a bridesmaidy looking pink dress. She even does a ridiculous little twirl in front of the mirror. Who does that? Besides Cinderella. She tells Chris Harrison she is nervous. He says “you know what you have to do” and escorts her onto this weird platform with water on either side. It would only be cool if they had sharks in the water.

And who’s out of the limo first?? Why, it’s Kiptyn! Now, Kiptyn has never been dumped before. So he kind of assumes he’s going to win this thing. The abs have never been turned down before. Kiptyn grabs Jilly’s hands and start telling her all the reasons why he wants to marry her. Jilly starts to cry and says she has fallen for someone else. Kiptyn immediately gets pretty business-like and says, well, Ed’s a lucky man. He practically shakes her hand. Kip seems a bit more teary in the limo but I never really bought it.

And then…you assume the next limo will pull up. Instead, it’s a cab. Out steps Reid in a suit with sneakers. He’s here to save the day, to keep Jillian from dealing with a lifetime of E.D. He tells us a bunch of times “that he had to pull multiple strings to get here.” Uh huh. Right. Like the ABC producers weren’t rubbing their hands together with glee.

Jillian sees him and puts her hand on her heart. They hug and I am distracted by something weird on Jillian’s elbow. And then I notice her foundation isn’t well-blended. Sorry, I totally have ADD sometimes.

Jill puts her head on Reid’s head as he says “I was an idiot. I came back to tell you I loved you.” She says “I was falling in love with you, I missed everything we had.” Does this sound like someone who should accept a proposal from someone else? I think not! Reid goes on and says “I’m like a four year old, I love you this much.” She says “I let you go because you couldn’t tell me how you felt.”

And then Reid gets down on one knee and proposes and she looks kind of happy. Then she realizes she is supposed to be getting a proposal from Ed and pulls Reid off his knees and says “I need to think about this.” He says “what do you need to think about/” She says “I was thinking I was going to spend the rest of my life with someone else today.”

And that folks, is exactly why this season should have ended with no proposal accepted. But I think Jilly found it hard to resist.

So Jilly goes inside to ponder Reid and Reid waits outside, sweating like a…what do people sweat like? I almost said racehorse but that is something else.

It seems like Jilly contemplates a long time but I noticed they put one shot of her up several times so…who knows. Chris Harrison decides to help her out.

Chris: Where’s your gut?

Jilly: How am I supposed to make a decision like this?

Chris: Because you just know. Are you excited by the prospect of Ed proposing? Then you know what you need to do.

So JIlly marches out and tells Reid no. Jillian walks him and his sad sneakers out. Reid keeps saying it doesn’t make sense and “some people are better in this situation than others.” Reid is back in the cab, saying he has no regrets but it just doesn’t make sense sense and that he was too late.

And then Ed shows with his purple tie and a pear-shaped diamond. Jillian practically tackles him when he proposes. She is cheering and jumps into his arms. I think for a moment that she might do a split. There is happy music as we see a montage of the Ed/Jilly love story. In case you’re wondering what to buy them for their wedding, might I suggest a lifetime supply of the little blue pill?

And that’s it, folks. Season’s over! Unless you count tonight…which is After the Final Rose. My guess is they bring back Reid to be the next bachelor. We shall see!

Thanks for tuning into the blog. Come back and visit sometime.

N

Most dramatic season finale ever?

2009-07-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

Ugh....I don't think so.

Talk about hype. Unless Jillian dumps poor Ed on television tonight, I think we can safely say last night's show ended with a whimper. And a kinda of ugly pear-shaped diamond.

Ed? Really? Good luck with that.

More to come.

N

Let the train wreck begin!

2009-07-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

It's finale time! The show starts at 8. I still predict that Jillian pulls a Brad Womack. We shall see.

This is just wrong...

2009-07-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

but funny. Check out this spoof of the Bachelorette:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UTf_6pdCL04

The Men Tell All…AKA Hello Whiners!

2009-07-21T14:19:00.000-07:00

Seriously. I don’t blame Jillian a bit if she doesn’t pick any of these guys. What a pack of catty little brats. The Men Tell All was basically a bitchfest where all the guys complained about each other. I’m not going to go into it minute by excruciating minute but here are the highlights.

Jillian has a sit down with Chris to talk about all the men. Good lighting and a good dress do wonders for this girl. Based on everything she says about everyone (mostly diplomatic stuff) I think she is setting us all up for saying she chooses no one. Jilly claims that Tanner’s foot fetish was okay with her, that David talking about her butt wasn’t cool and that she felt sick when Ed left. Also…that she saw the good side of Wes and that she thought she’d marry a honkey tonk cowboy.

ABC then shares some behind the scenes footage which is generally lame-O but this time has one of the Harlem Globetrotters dishing out relationship advice. Best line from Special K (the Globetrotter, in case you don’t follow them….does anyone?)…he says “Mike has good hair. See if he’ll cut it for you.” And also Juan “is supposed to be in competition with other guys but he invited us all back to the house.” Hmm.

Then ABC drags out Molly and Jason and we have to hear about how happy they are, blah, blah, blah. They both claim they would marry each other tomorrow yet they still don’t live in the same city. Yeah. Okay. Talk to me when Little Ty wakes up Molly at 4am vomiting ravioli. Then we’ll see how in love you guys are.

Chris Harrison tells us that Reid “had a prior engagement and couldn’t make it.” Uh huh. That’s because poor Reid is coming back to beg for JIlly’s hand. But the rest of the guys were there (except for Wes, who apparently thinks he is being treated unfairly by ABC). What did we learn last night?

1. The two Tanners give each other high fives over having a cool name.

2. Everyone thinks Jake is square (picture me drawing the outline of a square). He is a little squeaky. Like you can totally picture him as a small town preacher on say, The Waltons.

3. Robby is a drunk ass. Robby D!

4. If Dave hasn’t committed homicide yet, I’m pretty sure he will.

5. Dave also thinks that after you compliment a woman on her eyes, her butt is the next logical thing to talk about.

6. Jake said the F word for possibly the first time in his life.

7. The ladies love Jakie Jake. As if you didn’t know.

8. Apparently, fake-drinking a shot goes against “the man code.”

9. “Pulling a Mesnick” means leaning over a hotel balcony and sobbing like a girl with a broken dolly.

10. Jillian gave up her job to be on the show. Yeah. That was really worth it.

Really. There was nothing else interesting going on. I will say that I thought Jesse looked a little worse in this lighting and Mark the Pizza Guy looked a little better. So did Mike Steinberg and Pop-in-Lock Michael, though I still think he is gay and doesn’t know it yet. Also, Jillian used a bit too much of the fake tan this week.

Next week is the big finale. My prediction? ABC leaves us hanging like they did last time. Meaning….Jillian will be conflicted and make her decision on the After The Final Rose Show the next day. I have no proof, just a gut feeling. We shall see…stay tuned…

Have a good Tuesday,
N

"You're an awful human."

2009-07-21T07:36:00.000-07:00

And they say girls are catty? These guys were just as bad. Good times on The Men Tell All. Though I will put it on the record that I don't think Jillian chooses any of them. There. I've said it.

More to come...

Two hour of the Men Tell All?

2009-07-20T07:39:00.000-07:00

Uh...how are they going to stretch this one out?

My predictions:

Dave is mean.

Juan is wussy.

Michael cries.

Tanner talks about feet.

But it you want to see for yourself, it starts at 8pm.

Bachelorette Round-Up "I'm not just a pilot..."

2009-07-14T14:34:00.000-07:00

So I’m back from vacation and still living in post-vacation non-reality. Which means I am going to attempt to accentuate the positive. Being in places like Vermont will do that to a person. Forgive me. I’m sure it will only last another day or two.

The positive: I caught most of last night’s show. The reality: I only missed the first fifteen minutes but that was the entire length of Kimptyn’s date with Jillian. Damn!

Oh well. I’m sure it was just more shots of his crazy abs and pointy ears. Was that positive? I’m trying here, folks. Don’t worry, I promise not to turn into one of those people who says things like “Smile! Friday’s almost here!”

Okay. So I tune in just in time for Jilly’s date with Reid. They are going on a helicopter ride. Reid is excited because he’s never been on one. Well, who has? Mostly cops, I would imagine. At least those are the kinds of helicopters we always see in my neighborhood. Reid and Jilly are like making out the whole time. Always a good sign in my book, if you can’t keep your hands off each other. Guess the helicopter pilot thinks so too because that’s when he tells them that “not only is he a pilot but an ordained minister, too.” Jillian grins. Reid begins to sweat. And thus, begins the problem with this date.

The positive: they’re in Hawaii. Yay! The negative: Jilly wants Reid to say he loves and her and will propose soon. Uh oh.

Call me unromantic but…I think a proposal at the end of this has always been a bad idea. Just pick someone and date them in the real world. Saying you will marry someone after six weeks of non-exclusive dating is silly. Jilly doesn’t seem to agree and really presses Reid on the subject.

JILL: Did I freak you out when I talked about marriage?

REID (TAKING LARGE GULP OF WINE): No.

JILL: So what’s going on in your head?

REID: Well it’s all been very fast. It feels rushed. I don’t want to see you with other guys.

Which is a good sign, right? If a guy doesn’t want to share you? But that night, Jillian continues the full court press.

JILL (PICKING A BUG OFF OF REID LIKE ONE OF THOSE MONKEYS YOU SEE ON ANIMAL PLANET): So are you ready to propose at the end of this?

REID: Maybe. Possibly.

JILL: You’re like the Magic Eight Ball right now. All signs point to…

Reid continues to hem and haw. Jilly really wants that ring. Instead, she pulls out the fantasy suite card. Reid thinks it’s a good idea. Well, duh. He tells Jillian he is not good at the L word. Poor thing can’t even get the word out.

Next shot (after the huge light-up sign of THE WESTIN HOTEL….and now a word from our sponsor!)….is Jilly and Reid in a very bubbly bath holding up champagne. Could it be more staged? Could Reid look more embarrassed? Could anyone be more humiliated? Which leads us to our next date…

Ed. Or E.D. as we shall now call him. Why? Because our friend needs the little blue pill. Viva Viagra, my friend! Here is an example of how you can do everything right, say everything right but it don’t mean a thing if it ain’t got that schwing. I’m not sure if I should be horrified or amused that ABC decided to be straight up with this. Okay, last erection pun, I promise. Maybe.

So Ed and Jilly ride a catamaran. She straddles him underwater. He surprises her by flying in his parents to meet her. Jilly LOVES his parents. OMG, you guys love to play cards? I LOVE TO PLAY CARDS! So much enthusiasm, I wanted to….stop, stop, stop. Must be positive for a few more hours.

So Ed’s mom and dad look a little stunned to be on television. His father says, “What the hell are we doing here?” His dad is pissed he left his job to chase some girl on tv. Meanwhile, Jilly does her best to cozy up to Mom, even telling her she “did a great job raising him.” Come on. Could you possibly kiss up more? And then Ed’s dad and Jilly talk and he gets all choked up, saying “I’ve never seen Ed put his feelings on his shirt sleeves.” Oh dear. This is getting corny, here.

Alone time at last! Ed tells Jilly she is perfect for him. Jilly comes out in only a low-cut white sweater because really, what says romance more than a sweater? Then she busts out some oil, ABC turns on the soft core porn music and she straddles him. All right, ABC…way to be subtle. They do that camera shot through the window that lets you know it’s loving time. And then…uh oh. A light goes on in the bedroom!

Jilly says the loving feeling wasn’t there.

Oh sure, the loving feeling like you love your teddy bear was there. But not the kind that makes you want to get sweaty.

Birds do it. Bees do it. But Ed…he can’t do it.

It might have been the most humiliating thing ABC’s shown us in Bachelor/Bachelorette history. And that’s saying something.

JIlly has a sit down with Chris. He asks her about E.D. and his ED. Chris says “pressure has affected the physical part of the relationship.” She nods soberly. And then…woo-hoo! Each guy sends Jilly a video message. Pretty non-memorable except for E.D. who lays it on thick, saying he loves her and wants to propose. Seriously, she’s not going to fall for that, is she? Is she?

Rose ceremony time. Ed thinks it’s a good idea to bust out a lavender jacket, blue shirt and white pants. Because no woman can resist that.

And the first rose goes to Kimpton.

And the second goes to….ED?????

Really? The guy you said you had no chemistry with? Really??? Just because he’s willing to show up with a ring….one that ABC is paying for?

Uh, okay. I could say more but I’m being positive this week.

In the meantime, poor Reid. He looks really sad. She tells him they are at different places in their life. In the limo, he says I was falling in love with her. I screwed up and should have told her how I was feeling sooner. Meanwhile, Jilly sobs. Ed tries to comfort her, holding her in his arms. Apparently, that part of his body works.

Next week, it’s the Men Tell All Show. Expect lots of foot jokes from Tanner.

That’s all, folks. Happy Tuesday.

N

"I'm not just a pilot, I'm an ordained minister."

2009-07-14T10:08:00.000-07:00

Seriously folks, Jillian should have taken the opportunity to marry Reid in the helicopter. Instead, she dumped him for a man with “performance” issues. Yeah. That’ll last.

More to come later.

I'm baaaaaack....

2009-07-13T08:19:00.001-07:00

Sorry been so lame about the Bachelorette blog this season. Between my flu (not swine) and my vacation (it's over...sigh....)...there's been no time. But I'm back. I really am.

Tonight. In Hawaii. Minus Wes.

Yipee.

No Bachelorette Blog this week...

2009-07-01T09:00:00.000-07:00

sorry. No can do. Leaving for vacation tomorrow and work's too busy. Plus the day after always feels like...eh. Why bother?

Sorry guys. I never usually skip but my sinuses feel like they are about to explode so I'm not feeling terribly funny right now.

Have a good day,
n

"You may as well jump on the train now..."

2009-06-30T09:15:00.000-07:00

What train is that? The Wes train. Going straight to the Chinchilla, Mexico Wal-Mart...the only place you can find his CD.

Guys, it's been a rough week....I've had a bug that would not go away. I will try to blog about this today but it may not happen. And of course, next week...the week of the overnight dates...I'll be away and not blogging! Sorry.

Anyway, I'll try to update today if possible.

Take care,
Nanette

Tanner talks about his package...don't pretend like you're not going to read this...

2009-06-26T12:57:00.000-07:00

My friend Andy sent me this and it was just too good not to pass along. Thanks, Andy! An article about Tanner talking about his manhood...now that's quality journalism:

ABC/ADAM LARKEY
Size doesn't matter to Jillian Harris.

Because if it did, the Bachelorette wouldn't have given Tanner Pope the boot.

Tanner confirmed to reporters yesterday that he has quite the impressive manhood.

"I was just blessed," he said.

Oh, that's not all he had to say about his self-described "man piece"…

Tanner is not shy about showing off what God gave him. "All the guys knew because we had outdoor showers and so they called me 'King Dong' and other things," he said. "I did tricks with my wiener."

And talking about, um, wieners..."I mean, I just had fun with it, man," Tanner said. "People would be out there barbecuing and stuff, cooking a steak, I'd be out there, you know, with my sausage dangling, hanging out."

PS: Tanner also proves what they say about men with big feet. His shoe size? 15!

—Reporting by Kirstin Heinle

It's raining, it's pouring...

2009-06-26T12:04:00.000-07:00

We don’t always have the coolest soundtrack happening in our house. It’s not for lack of trying--we do play the Beatles, They Might Be Giants and lots of other good stuff around here. But sometimes, Girlfriend just wants to hear something kinda kid-like and corny. Nothing wrong with that. Those songs are all harmless. Right?

Until we got to the good old-fashioned favorite “It’s Raining, It’s Pouring.”

A: He bumped his head?
ME: Who?
A: The man. He went to bed and bumped his head? And didn’t get up…

Oh dear.

ME: It’s just a song. It’s pretend.
A: The man needs an ice-pack?
ME: It didn’t really happen. It’s like a story in a book.
A: The man bumped his head? Went to the doctor?
ME: The man is fine. I promise. He’s all better now.

And then yesterday, as I flicked around the channels trying to check the weather…I noticed an early Michael Jackson video. Actually, The Jackson 5. The perfect kind of music to introduce to Girlfriend. She was riveted. Who wouldn’t be? Young MJ was effervescent, beautiful, insanely talented. Of course, he never saw himself that way.

It was only a couple of minutes later that I realized why the video was on. When they started playing Thriller, I realized it was time to turn off the television. Not sure Girlfriend is quite ready for that.

Michael Jackson. Farrah Fawcett. Ed McMahon. When it rains, it really does pour.

Bachelorette Round-Up "Hey, why's this train slowing down?"

2009-06-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

Once again, didn’t manage to see the entire show last night. I try. Really I do. My real life always seems to get in the way of the fake one on t.v. But just missing the first 15 minutes isn’t such a big deal, is it? I think the only thing I missed was the set-up…the guys are going on a cross-country train across the Canadian Rockies. Thus continuing the Canadian tourism fluff piece.

So despite the fact that all the guys are on the same train together…Jillian is having some alone time with Robby the bartender. Who’s Robby the bartender? He’s your buddy, he’s your pal, he fixes you a cocktail just the way you like it. But is he your husband? Uh. No. Jillian seems to know this but still spends a lot of time asking questions. He tells her “I wish I had the vocabulary to say how I feel.” So do we, Robby, so do we.

And then all of a sudden, the train slows down. Robby’s like “hey, why’s the train slowing down?” Jillian’s like, “um. Sorry.” And then Robby’s butt is kicked off the train, standing in the middle of nowhere with his suitcases, waving pathetically. I wonder how ABC pulled this off. Did Jillian wink at one of the waitresses who notified the conductor? Did she pull some kind of hand brake? Hmmm. Suppose we’ll never know.

The other guys are surprised that Robby got the boot. No one more so than Michael Electric Boogalu who actually starts to cry. Yes, cry. There there, Michael. In the meantime, Wes gets his game face on. He tells the camera “if anyone has an agenda here, I do. I have a CD coming out. The more I get of fame, I taste it, I eat it. I’ve got records to sell. So I’ll always have her wrapped around my finger.” I thought it seemed a bit odd that all of a sudden, Wes was coming clean. Like he enjoyed playing the role of villain or something. I’m starting to think his manager left him cue cards because it’s really feeling like he’s got some writers. I don’t think Wes is coming up with “I eat fame, I feel it inside me.” Way too deep for the man who wrote “They say love don’t come easy…” Which someone pointed out is what every single country song in the whole world is about.

I digress, I digress. Next day, Jillian shows up in her red hoodie (a Canadian specialty) and hands out the date card. Apparently, all the guys will be going snow-shoeing (ew) except for Reid, who will get a one-on-one date going snow-boarding (ew with pain involved). In other words, you date a Canadian, be prepared to like snow.

Tanner takes the opportunity to help Jillian with her boots, since it’s the closest he can get to her feet. Jake rolls around with Jillian in the snow and tries to tell Jillian her lurves her. He starts out by telling her she is a lot like his mom. I don’t care if your mom is a total rock star, most women don’t want to hear that. And then Kimpton interrupts and has a total make-out session with Jill. We’re talking hands on thighs and everything.

In the meantime, back on the train, Reid is bored. He is trying to get himself psyched up for his one-on-one date with Jillian. But he has no one to talk to. So he chats up the waitress on the train. She suggests that he not wear his glasses nor his hat. Then we see him talking to some conductor type, too. This guy says to be honest with his feelings. Reid says “I tend to overanalyze.” Reid is being portrayed as the neurotic one. Why? Because he wears glasses! And as we find out later…he’s Jewish! So if Wes is the Villian, Reid is Jerry Seinfeld.

Back on the group date, evening falls. Michael Electric Boogalu decides to step it up a notch. He starts a game of something like Truth or Dare but more just like Truth. He asks Jillian what she sleeps in. Tank top and underwear. And then Jillian starts asking the other guys what they sleep in. Only Tanner decides to illustrate. He peels off all the way down to his bikini underwear and says “that’s what Daddy wears.” Yes folks, I can’t make this stuff up. Jillian pretends to be horrified but still checks out his goodies, despite claiming she “isn’t ready to see anyone’s package yet.”

And then Jillian and Tanner have alone time and Tanner gets to rub Jillian’s feet. He says “they are soft as sh*t” which is always a nice visual picture. And then he says “she has high arches and if her toes were painted Mango, Mango..her feet would be a 10.” Again, I stand by my conviction that Tanner was nothing more than a plant…he is too one-dimensional to be an actual person and he is playing the part of Foot Fetish Weirdo a little too ridiculously. Note the ridiculous eye bulging as he touches her feet.

Then Jesse has alone time with Jilly and says his parents would fall in love with her. And then poor Michael Electric Boogalu tries to convince her that she has to come home with him or his parents and dog will disown him.

Later that night, Tanner owns up to being the one who told Jillian someone had a girlfriend. Wes gets instantly defensive, saying that he hates tattletales. In case you were wondering if were back in grade school, we know officially are with the use of the word “tattletale.”

Next day, the date with Reid aka Jerry Seinfeld. Reid attempts to snowboard. He mostly falls on his butt. She tells him her dream is to marry someone where every day is like Christmas morning. Reid says “in my world, that means no presents.” Jillian looks confused because she has never actually met a Jewish person before. Except Jason of course and I’m not sure she ever really was aware of that. Reid tells her that if you have red ears you either have high blood pressure or you are horny. And then he hands her some green m-n-m’s.

Evening part of the date…they are going to make fondue. This freaks out Reid because he is a germaphobic, something I can relate to. As we speak, I've got a bottle of Purell on either side of me and hand wipes in my bag. If this guy has problems with fondue, why doesn’t he have a problem with making out with a girl who has kissed like five other guys the night before? He’s going to have some serious issues during the overnight dates.

Anyway, despite the fact that Reid and Jillian have nothing in common, they decide they like each other and she gives him a rose. Which Reid promptly cleans off with a Clorox wipes before touching.

And now it’s that part of the show when we’re reminded there is a host. Jillian has a conversation with Chris the Dork Harrison about how she’s feeling. She says Wes is a Southern gentleman. Jake is gorgeous but too serious. Tanner keeps talking about the other men. And Michael is basically a child.

Okay. Here’s how the rose ceremony netted out. Keep in mind that Kimpton and Reid already have roses.

1st rose…Jesse

2nd rose…Wes….major eyerolls from the rest of the guys

3rd rose…Michael Electric Boogalu

Really? I mean, honestly? Jake goes home and Electric Boogalu stays? Is this guy really the potential future father of your children? Can you say “the producers forced me?”

In the meantime, Jake has a pity party for himself saying nice guys always finish last. Which leads me to believe that despite him being super-hot, he is always getting dumped. Hmmmm.

Next week, Jillian meets the families. Except for Wes, who introduces her to his band. Did he mention he has a CD coming out??

Have a good week, guys.

N

"Hey, why's this train slowing down?"

2009-06-23T07:17:00.000-07:00

If you watched last night's show, then you know the answer to this question. Basically, poor Robby was left by the side of the railroad tracks in the middle of the Canadian wilderness. Hope the moose are friendly up there.

In the meantime, the sexual dysfunction issue did not rear its ugly...oh, I can't even say it. Apparently, that will be saved for the overnight dates.

More to come later,
Nan

Don't forget...

2009-06-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

Bachelorette tonight. It's the sexual dysfunction episode...should be a winner...

N

Bachelorette Round-Up..."You smell like snow, flowers and gasoline."

2009-06-16T13:58:00.001-07:00

So last night was a very exciting show for me since I actually watched almost all of it in one sitting. This never happens anymore. Not to say we did not get one or two nocturnal visits from a toddler in cat pajamas but hey, it wasn’t bad. And no, we did not give her Benedryl.

I actually started watching the show from the point where Michael “Electric Boogalu” was on a one-on-one date with Jillian. Anyone else but me getting strong gay vibes from him? Like he is cute and charming but clearly not straight. They are at some wine bar and Michael is pretending he knows something about wine. They drink champagne. By the way, no guy on the planet likes champagne. He says “it’s the best champagne I’ve ever had.” It’s like, the only champagne he’s ever had since he is barely 21. Jillian asks him if he is ready to settle down. He says “I’m cheesy. If a girl kisses me on the mouth, I’m in love.” Jillian looks at him in that pathetic way you might look at the kid in class who cries when he has to give an oral report and says “why did you really come here?” This stumps Electric Boogalu. He says “I haven’t been on a date with a girl…or man…since then.” I think it was a joke. Hmmm. Maybe it was all that wine but Jillian gives him a rose. Maybe she just wanted to see him do that pop-n-lock move again.

Next day…a group snowmobiling date. Oh, I forgot to mention, they are up in Whistler. Yup. Still doing the Canada thing. Apparently, Jillian is a true Canadian because she never looks like I do in the snow which is cold, runny-nosed and miserable. Nah, she looks downright chipper. She has some alone time with Robby the Bartender. For some reason, I keep forgetting this guy exists. She interrogates him about whether or not he is ready for a family. He claims he is. Jillian does not think he is the guy with the girlfriend. Next, she has alone time with Tanner. I am pretty sure she is only keeping him around to see if he will tell her who the guy is with the girlfriend. He will not say, only advising her “keep your eyes open and you’ll see who is here for the right reasons.”

As if on cue, Wes pops out of the snow, guitar in hand. They make out and talk about the rose ceremony. Wes says he was pretty pissed out about it and says “all the guys think it’s me with the girlfriend and I have a new CD coming out.” I don’t see the connection here but he someone manages to say “I have a new CD coming out” yet again in the conversation. Then he carves it into the snow. Jillian concludes that he is definitely here for the right reasons and the fact that HE HAS A NEW CD COMING OUT has absolutely nothing to do with it.

And then it is night time. Time to hang out in the freezing cold snow by the fire! Seriously, how is her nose not red? Ah yes, a make-up artist. Maybe I just need to travel with one of those all winter. Jillian has some alone time with Kiptyn. And there is kissing. Ladies and gentleman, there is tongue. Lots of it. And not the kind you serve on rye bread with mustard.

She has alone time with Reid. He tells her she smells good, “like snow, flowers and gasoline.” Ha ha. That Reid is a card. Seriously, though, Jillian says. Who has a girlfriend? Reid says, we all do except me. I have two wives. Ha, ha, Reid! Knee-slapper.

Meanwhile, Ed is getting moody. All of a sudden, his boss tells him he needs to come back to work or get fired. In reality, I think he has realized that Jillian, while a nice enough girl, is not perhaps one worth battling ten guys for and certainly not worth losing several paychecks over. But this is not what Ed tells Jillian. He tells her she is exactly what he’s looking for. Jillian gives him the rose in an effort to convince him to stay.

Next up, a one-on-one date with Jesse. Now, I happen to think Jesse’s pretty cute and he’s a winemaker. Plus he doesn’t have spiky hair or do pop-and-lock moves, which makes me like him even more. He and Jillian are going on a Canadian’s fantasy date…hanging out on their own private glacier. Some people dream of a fantasy island, others a huge chunk of ice. Jesse and Jillian frolic in the snow. They kiss but it is fairly innocent. Mostly they keep talking about how this is the most AMAZING DATE EVER!

And then it is night. Jillian tells Jesse she is willing to put her life in someone else’s hands for a couple of years and move. Jesse tells Jillian her voice is so sexy it makes him want to fall asleep. This somehow leads to them making out in the hot tub. She says there are major sparks. He says he won’t be able to sleep that night. Everyone is happy. Until…

The next day. That's when Mopey Ed announces that he’s going to leave the show. He can’t even look like he’s that sad about going. However, he does attempt melancholy by telling Jillian he wants to keep the rose she gave him. What’s he going to do with it, press it into a book next to his Prom tickets? Jillian tells Ed not to let work get in the way of a person you are crazy about it. This is easy for her to say when she’s got like ten other guys to pick from.

The rest of the show after this is boring. Lots of Jillian whining and crying in the snow about Ed’s departure. Come on, ABC, this is the best you’ve got? It gets so boring, our dorky host has to step in and interview Jillian about the way she’s feeling. She says Tanner needs to focus on her more and Jake is too perfect. Well, what’s wrong with being perfect, I say? She’s nuts if she drops him and keeps people around like Wes WHO HAS A CD COMING OUT SOON. LOOK FOR IT IN WAL-MART IN CHINCHILLA, MEXICO.

Rose ceremony time. Jillian skips the cocktail party and gets right down to business. Basically Mark gets kicked off. Right now you’re probably thinking who? Exactly. You won’t miss him.

Next week on the Bachelorette….it appears that someone gets an overnight date with Jillian. Only…Houston, we have a problem. Did they really mention erectile dysfunction in this promo? Seriously? ABC, you have no shame. And I love it.

Good times, people. Good times.

Have a great week,
Nanette

"You smell like snow, flowers and gasoline."

2009-06-16T07:42:00.000-07:00

Decent show last night, I thought. Though Wes is still there.

I hope to get the rest to you by the end of the day.

Have a good one,
N